FAQ

Limerence is a form of idolatry in which reciprocated romantic affection from a specific person is coveted more highly than anything else. The affected individual finds thoughts of the person extremely difficult to take captive and over time often feels anxious and desperate enough to become willing to take sinful action to secure reciprocation.

Limerence sufferers experience obsessive, very difficult to control thoughts about the person from whom they desire reciprocated affection. These thoughts may include:
– Fantasies
– Daydreams
– Rumination on memories of actual interactions or conversations with the person
– Strategic planning to develop reciprocation in the desired person’s heart
– Hallucinations that distort the limerent individual’s memory of real interactions with the desired person

Also highly prevalent are anxiety and emotional swings between the extremes of euphoria and deep sadness or depression. The level of anxiety is proportionate to the level of uncertainty the limerent individual feels as to whether or not his or her feelings are returned. Euphoria or depression is experienced when the limerence sufferer perceives his or her affection to be reciprocated or rejected, respectively.

The six stages of limerence, as defined by Lord Over Limerence, are initiation, infiltration, insurrection, integration, intervention and immunization. These stages are briefly defined here; refer to the webinar titled, “When should I ask for support with limerence?” for further details.

1. Initiation: Start of romantic attraction
2. Infiltration: Temptation to pursue reciprocation above following Jesus
3. Insurrection: Rebellion in the heart against what God wants
4. Integration: Wholehearted devotion to obsessive pursuit of reciprocation and profound life change for the worse
5. Intervention: God works in the person’s heart to produce desire to stop limerence and be restored to normal
6. Immunization: Process of becoming immune to further limerence via sanctification by the Holy Spirit

Anxiety and depression in general are very common in limerence. Many people who have struggled with limerence also have experienced symptoms of specific mental health maladies. Most common are obsessive-compulsive tendencies, post-traumatic stress, attention deficiency challenges and using daydreaming or fantasies as an unhealthy way to cope with reality. However, other types of mental illness are not necessarily excluded from the limerent individual’s experience. For additional details, refer to the webinar titled, “What is the Difference between Limerence and Similar Experiences?”.

While the Bible does not use the word limerence itself, God’s Word has much to say about the experience of limerence. For example, fantasies and obsessive thoughts constitute a failure to take one’s thoughts captive as instructed in 2 Corinthians 10:5. Also, prioritizing pursuit of returned romantic affection above all else is idolatry. It makes a created being the center of one’s life, rather than God, the Creator of everyone.

With respect to the distress and anxiety felt in limerence, the psalms offer many encouraging words. Among them are Psalms 34:18, 37:4 and 16:11, and to these can be added numerous New Testament passages such as 1 Peter 5:7 and John 16:22-24.

For additional Bible passages that address the subject of limerence, refer to the webinar titled, “What does the Bible say about limerence?”.

Limerence, like any form of idolatry, starts in the heart. If the desires in a person’s heart – not just the ‘negotiable’ ones but the biggest, most passion-driven ones as well – are not surrendered to Christ, they unrightfully take the throne of the person’s heart. In limerence, this leads to a cycle of hopeless pursuit of romantic reciprocation, attempt to let go once it is clear the cycle is destructive and needs to be broken, and – if Christ is not expeditiously placed back on the throne of one’s heart – replacement with a new romantic interest who is then hopelessly pursued.

For additional details about the cycle of limerence and how to get out of it, refer to the webinar titled, “What makes it so hard to get out of limerence?”

The impact of limerence on a person’s life reaches much deeper than that of infatuation. Where infatuation is short-lived, typically lasting only a few weeks or months, limerence commonly lasts months to years. Infatuation is more of a “crush” that does not change a person at his or her core, while limerence dictates a person’s thoughts and actions and may drive significant changes to his or her personality or physical appearance.

Person addiction is an advanced form of limerence that has become life-dominating, effectively enslaving the limerence sufferer. The desire for reciprocated feelings is so intense that the limerent individual arranges his/her life around ways to make the desired person feel the same way. He/she may lie, steal or manipulate, thinking it will lead to returned affection from the desired person.

Love addiction is addiction to the feeling of being in love. While limerence is directed toward a specific person, love addiction could occur with anyone who makes the addicted individual feel like he or she is in love.

For additional details, refer to the webinar titled, “What is the difference between limerence and similar experiences?”

Unfortunately, limerence affects people in relationships of all types, including marriage and exclusive dating relationships. If you suspect your spouse may be experiencing limerence toward another person, look for these behaviors.
– Spending an increasing amount of time with a specific individual instead of you
– Disinterest in activities that previously made your relationship special to both of you
– Minimizing meaningful memories in your relationship and/or overemphasizing minor commonalities with the other individual (also known as “rewriting history”)

Any one of these behaviors in a committed relationship is difficult to handle, but a combination of more than one is especially concerning. Counseling may be advisable to help restore your relationship and/or provide a biblical framework for next steps. If there has been an affair (emotional or otherwise), AffairRecovery.com may offer helpful resources to restore your relationship.

If you suspect your friend is in limerence, you may be wondering what to do and how you can help. This would be a good time to pray for wisdom for yourself and clarity for your friend. If your friend is not already entrenched in limerence, but you feel you have good reason to suspect your friend is headed that way, wisdom in how to support your friend is indispensable. Likewise, clarity is essential for your friend to see things as they are and accept reality, as opposed to being blinded by fantasies, irrational hopes and misplaced desire.

It may be difficult to comprehend and empathize with your friend if you are not prone to limerence yourself. However, do your best to understand and offer compassionate, biblical encouragement and exhortation. If he feels understood in it and takes to heart the Bible verses you share with him, it is less likely that he will isolate and fall deeper into the fantasy world he created.

Check in frequently, on the order of twice every week, because one’s wellbeing in limerence can change dramatically from one moment to the next. Do not accept simple, dismissive answers such as “I’m fine.” Often, fear and pride get in the way of wanting to share the whole truth, but remember (and remind your friend) that “the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

Limerence may be starting if desire for returned affection from a person has taken over one’s thoughts to the point of neglecting responsibility. If work for an employer or at school is suffering, or if dependents are not getting enough attention or care because of focus on the desired person, it is likely limerence has been established. Healthy romantic relationship pursuits are balanced with attention to other important areas of life. Limerent pursuits carry a willingness to sacrifice anything and everything else for the sake of reciprocation.

Once limerence has occurred a single time in a person’s life, it is much easier to fall prey to it again. Be watchful for the signs, as the apostle Peter warns in 1 Peter 5:8, because the devil will use any weakness to turn you away from Christ. If you find yourself hiding your pursuit of reciprocation from those close to you, that is a clear warning sign. Listen to your family members and friends when they notice you giving too much attention to someone they think is not good for you. Seek and heed wise, biblical counsel, and seek the Lord’s guidance for the next steps you should take.

Sometimes limerence feels like an unsolvable mystery, because despite physical distance and despite the desired person’s faults, the attraction remains extremely strong. The mystery comes down to this: your desired person represents everything you ever wanted. That desire does not dissipate with distance like the passion between two people who are in mutual love may fade when they are apart. Until the limerence ends or is transferred to another person, the attraction to your desired person will be difficult to deny.

To those who have ever been susceptible to limerence, it can be hard to believe, but some people truly are content with singleness. Many of these people likely grew up with intact, nurturing homes, characterized by good examples of marriage rather than broken by divorce or ongoing abuse. Others who have experienced brokenness in their homes simply enjoy the freedom of not having to check with another person before making decisions or plans.

Some of us grow up wanting to be married and some don’t want to get married until they meet the right people. It’s all part of the unique personality traits with which God created each one of us.

When limerence takes its toll on a person’s soul, what is left is often a fraction of who that person used to be. Take time to remember who you were before limerence took over your life – such as hobbies or music genres you enjoyed – and engage in related activities. Journaling about your recovery experience may be helpful to work through mixed feelings you may have about moving forward.

Also ask the Lord to lead you through this season to brighter days. God restores those who trust in Him, so keep walking with Him. Step by step you will get closer to enjoying life again.

The drive to pursue a relationship in limerence is tremendous and may be confused for feeling “more alive” than ever before. However, it is a very “high” emotional state which is not supposed to be sustained for extended periods. Do not give in to temptation to go back to limerence when life does not feel exciting apart from it. Keep easing yourself back into normalcy until that temptation is gone, and enjoy the stability – which limerence had mercilessly taken away – once again.

It is a grievous shock to realize that you can never have the one thing you wanted most. Even if you never had a real relationship with your desired person, the loss of hope of being with the one you love more than anything feels like a death from which you may never recover.

In this you are justified because it is a death – a death to self, since we as believers are crucified with Christ (Galatians 2:20). During this time of grief mourning the death of the part of yourself you never wanted to let go, lean in to the joyful life you have in Christ. This death was necessary to begin to trust Him fully, and He is ready to make you spiritually more alive than ever.

One of the hardest parts of limerence is the mental takeover by the object of the limerent person’s affection. The persistent, chaotic nature of thoughts about one’s desired person may interfere with one’s ability to focus on the day’s responsibilities or even to enjoy the little things in life. It will take a good deal of time to be totally free from distress that may come from thoughts that enter your mind about him/her, but you can exercise control over your thoughts as they come.

Start by establishing a set of truths in a moment of stability and rationality, which you can recall in moments of weakness and desperation. For example, “Living like this is not good for me. Jesus came so that I could have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10).” “I will delight myself in the Lord, because when I do He gives me the desires of my heart.” Or “In the Lord’s presence – the Lord’s presence, not his/her presence – is fullness of joy. I will trust Him to be my joy in this moment.”

Take one thought at a time, as many times per day (or hour or minute) as you need to, and remind yourself of these truths. Be sure to add more to the list as you “seek the Lord and His strength… continually” (Psalm 105:4).

If you are a Christian, remember the one you really serve, the Lord Jesus Christ (Colossians 3:23-24), and pray to Him for your needs in the moment. Your desired person may be foremost in your thinking right now, but the Holy Spirit gives you self-control to redirect your thoughts to Christ. And when your mind is set on Him, you will find greater peace (Isaiah 26:3), even if you never get what you thought you wanted, because Christ is the real reward.

If you are not a Christian, you also have some ability to redirect your thoughts. Think of anything you enjoy and anyone else you love, who provides calm and stability in your life. Or take a few minutes to walk, journal or whatever else you can do to relax in the moment and discharge emotionally, then get back to the tasks at hand. Be patient as it will be a repetitive process until limerence fades to its final end.

First, I am so sorry this happened to you. Limerence, like any kind of addiction, can be very destructive and leave irreparable damage in the limerent person’s closest relationships. In a marriage especially, the shock and betrayal are devastating, and if children are in the picture it is even more difficult.

You may be reeling with anger, bitterness and unwillingness to forgive your spouse. However, consider the sins Jesus has forgiven, including your own, and learn to “forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.” (Colossians 3:13) If divorce has not been finalized, there is still hope for reconciliation. In this case, Affair Recovery’s resources may be helpful to you and your spouse as you seek healing and restoration together.

Very good, keep fighting the good fight! (1 Timothy 6:12) But do not rely on your own strength, which will run out quickly. Be sure that you have surrendered to God’s will fully, or ask Him to help you want to. With time and continual dependence on Jesus, you will find it easier to leave limerence in the past.

While limerence affects only a minority of the population, the impact it leaves on each limerence sufferer’s life is profound and in many cases destructive. Hence it is desirable to understand what causes limerence. Below are some major causal factors.

1. Desire for romantic relationship: First and foremost, limerence necessarily occurs in individuals who have a deep desire for romantic partnership. Anyone who does not want to be in a romantic relationship will not be susceptible to limerence.
2. Spiritual warfare: Prospective limerence sufferers may be targeted by Satan for temptation to limerence, if they have demonstrated exceptional weakness and failure to surrender to God fully in the area of romantic desire.

In addition to core romantic desire and potential spiritual warfare, a combination of any of the following may influence one to develop limerence.
3. Cultural/societal influence: Society and culture have a major influence on what is considered normal and ideal in romantic relationships. Exposure to popular stories or ideas may result in unrealistic expectations which encourage indulgence in limerent fantasy.
4. Childhood trauma: An estimated 80%-90% of those who have experienced limerence have also undergone traumatic events in childhood.
5. Religious teachings and principles: Certain religious teachings such as perseverance and the unfailing nature of love can contribute to elongating and intensifying limerence.

For additional details on factors that influence development of limerence, refer to the webinar titled, “What Causes Limerence?”.

In many (perhaps most) cases, susceptibility to limerence can be traced to traumatic experiences in one’s life, especially those that occurred in childhood. Such experiences wrongly shape a person’s perception of what is and is not normal in marriage and dating relationships, as well as how one feels his or her needs must be met in those relationships.

Limerence occurs when a person suddenly appears to be able to meet one’s relationship needs. Understanding how trauma has shaped the needs one feels and learning how to meet those needs in a healthy way (i.e. turning to Christ for healing, comfort and peace) can help prevent limerence.

For additional details on causal factors of limerence, refer to the webinar titled, “What Causes Limerence?”.

Explain it patiently to whoever will listen with the intent to understand. If anyone expresses frustration with you for not being able to move on, think of an area of suffering in that person’s life that will help him or her relate to your experience. For example, if he or she ever struggled with addiction, explain that limerence is like addiction to a person, so it is not as simple as just ceasing to love the person and getting on with life. Share honestly how you are feeling and why, to the extent you are able, and ask for prayer for you as you strive to let go and move forward.

Probably, if you are asking this question in your mind, you already could use some support with limerence. With respect to the six stages of limerence, there are only two stages at which support is not required: the first (initiation) and the last (immunization). In other words, only when the attraction is just beginning to form, and after freedom from an episode of limerence has been achieved, is support from others not definitely recommended.

During the other stages – especially integration when limerence gradually takes over one’s thinking, and intervention when the person begins to break free from limerence – seeking support is recommended. While you may want to avoid asking for help from others to try to help yourself instead, if you want to be rid of limerence sooner, it would be wise to go ahead and ask. Just be sure that whoever is providing support to you is compassionate, empathetic and dedicated to seeing you through to the end. Most importantly, he or she should be a believer in Christ who can remind you of key scriptures that will help you stay strong in difficult moments.

For additional details, refer to the webinar titled, “When should I ask for support with limerence?”.

This is a tough question, because either answer comes with some amount of emotional pain. If you keep it a secret, that is a heavy burden on your heart. But if you go ahead and tell your significant other about the fantasy relationship that has been filling your mind and reaching your heart too, the burden (probably alongside feelings of betrayal and distrust) is placed on his or her heart as well.

If there is no doubt in your mind that you should be with your significant other instead of the person toward whom your limerence is directed, you may not need to tell your significant other about it. It depends on how deepset the limerence has become. If you never (or almost never) think of the limerence object when you are with your significant other, simply break off the fantasy relationship and do not speak of it in your real relationship unless it comes up in conversation naturally. But if your limerence is taking your mind away from your significant other when you are with him/her, consider honesty to be the best policy. It will be painful for both of you to face this issue together, but you can involve a third party to provide wise, mediatory advice as you move forward.

On the other hand, if your limerence is causing serious doubt that you and your significant other are supposed to be together, it is probably best for you not to be in a relationship at all right now. Be honest and let your significant other know you need some time away to sort things out, and ask for prayer for both of you to know what you should do next.

If you are still actively experiencing limerence, it is probably not a good idea to share the struggle with your children. It may cause doubt about your commitment to them or to their other parent (if you are still in a relationship with their other parent). Perhaps writing about it for your children to read after the limerence ends, instead of speaking about it now, would be a wiser choice. Use your best judgment to assess their feelings about your family situation and decide accordingly.

If you have recovered from limerence and would like to share your life story with your children, it is perfectly fine to tell them about your limerence at an age-appropriate level. Some may not be very interested yet and that’s okay. For any who want to listen, be sure to emphasize the good that God has done through your experience.

Yes! As Matthew 19:26 tells us, “All things are possible with God.” We have the blessing of being able to call upon God’s power to overcome limerence. Although we are weak, His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Then, we must keep our eyes fixed on Christ, because the moment we look away and find something (or someone) more captivating is when we will be tempted to try to meet our own needs or solve our own problems. Only replacing the desire for another created person with love for Jesus, and actively following Jesus in that love for Him, enables us to maintain freedom from limerence forever.

As you likely know well, when limerence fades, the recovery process is not complete. The end of limerence often leaves a feeling of emptiness or discontentedness as a person tries to return to ordinary life. Settling down from the emotional highs that made life so enthralling during limerence is difficult without being tempted to fall back into limerence. However, it is vital to become accustomed to normal life again, lest even stronger limerence take its place.

To move forward to full recovery, use the acronym “REWARD.” (Note: This is covered in detail in the webinar titled, “What makes it so hard to get out of limerence?”)
Realize Limerence will never be a healthy solution to the problem – it is only a symptom of the problem.
Establish The specific heart problems behind your tendency toward limerence
Worship Redirect your worship to the Lord, who heals completely, provides immovable peace and is far more amazing than we could ever imagine
Answer The challenges and questions associated with each issue you have identified, applying wisdom from God’s word, the Bible
Rally Surround yourself with people who love both God and you and will help keep you on the right path
Declare Once free, share your story of victory with others