In any experience that causes deep grief, it is normal to ask yourself and God why this has happened to you. Limerence comes with its own unique set of “why” questions that well up from deep within a limerence experiencer’s heart. Some of these questions are answered here.
Why won’t he/she just love me back?
Maybe you made multiple failed attempts to change the way your limerence object feels about you. You are not alone if you are asking why your he or she won’t feel the same. Unfortunately, it is likely he or she doesn’t consider you his or her preferred “type” for a romantic relationship. If you are as entrenched in limerence as I once was, though, that last sentence alone stings from felt rejection.
Many of us have tried to be perfect for our limerence objects, giving them every reason to love us. But it has not worked, and in fact, sometimes it backfires and makes them run away because we come on too strong. Even when we hold back as much as we can, it seems to be too much for them. Because we try so hard, it escapes our understanding as to why they can’t appreciate what we do for them.
Free Will
God has given everyone free will, which is an amazing freedom, but it comes with tradeoffs. We have the ability to choose our likes and dislikes, to make our own decisions from day to day. So do our limerence objects, and our different preferences may be incompatible with what they seek in their ideal romantic partners. Ultimately, sometimes this results in rejection.
We can thank God, though, that He does not force us or the ones we love to do anything. While we were created to worship Him, He gives us the right, not the mandate, to choose to place our trust in Him. (2 Peter 3:9) In the same way, we should allow the objects of our affection to choose not to feel the same way about us, as much as it breaks our hearts.
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
Often, at the heart of the “why” question is another question, something to the effect of “Is something wrong with me?” Or perhaps it is more like, “Am I not good enough for him/her?” The answer to this is found in Psalm 139.
The psalmist declares in verse 14, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Each person who has ever existed and whoever will exist in the future is one of His wonderful works. There is nothing wrong with the way He has made you, or me, or anyone else.
Certainly, He is refining us every day, making us more like Him (Isaiah 64:8). But He made every detail about us with a reason and a purpose. That includes our desire to be loved in return, which we can have fulfilled by running to His arms.
Will I ever understand why God doesn’t want me to be with him/her?
Romans 8:28 tells us “God works all things together for good,” but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. How can denying us the one thing we want most be a good thing?
Well, God works in mysterious ways. At least, they seem mysterious to us, only because we don’t have full knowledge of what will happen in the future. We have the choice either to complain about the situation or trust God to work out His will.
When it becomes clear that our greatest desire is not going to be fulfilled according to our hopes, we need to humble ourselves and pray. Pray to be at peace with His plan and have the will to keep going and following His gentle guidance. Pray not to get pulled back into our old ways of thinking, which would lead to despair or worse.
We also need to remember that while God is not obligated to reveal the reason with time, He is merciful and likely will. He tells us in John 14:14, “If you ask me anything in My name, I will do it.” So, we need to learn how to desire wholeheartedly for His will to be done.
This means denying ourselves in favor of God’s will (Matthew 16:24-25), knowing that He always knows best (Isaiah 55:8-9). If we ask with humility and genuine trust for Him to reveal why His will did not match ours, He will grant us what we ask.
