There is a lot to explore when it comes to what I call the mysteries of limerence. For me one of the most perplexing things about limerence was not understanding how it happened. It was too easy to get caught up in it completely and at light-like speed.
The complexities of each person’s story are virtually limitless, so it can be difficult to answer questions about these mysteries in general terms. Still, God gives us wisdom to discover possible explanations for some of them.
Why do I seem to fall for the same type of guy/girl every time? They never feel the same.
Each of us finds particular qualities attractive, which means usually we are drawn to the same type of personality. For most people, this is not normally a problem, because their sense of self-worth is not found in reciprocation. Those of us who experienced trauma early in life, however, are likely to gravitate toward certain unhealthy aspects of relationships. We do find a great deal of self-worth in reciprocation from our limerence objects.
That is a subject for further exploration in a separate article. For the time being, suffice it to say that this often results in a cycle of insecure attachments, more fractured relationships, and broken hearts.
God created us with a need and desire to feel loved and valued. That’s why He created Eve, saying, “it is not good for the man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) When our favorite type of personality does not prefer our type in return, it can make us feel hopeless. What we need is God’s love for us to speak healing into the broken parts of our lives.
Then the next time we find someone attractive and he or she does not feel the same, it will not hurt us so deeply. It will not feel like no one will ever love us the way we need to be loved. Yes, it will always be disappointing, but it will no longer be devastating, because our worth is defined by Him. (Luke 12:7)
We haven’t been in contact for a long time. Why does the attraction seem just as strong as it was when we saw each other frequently?
Limerence is like any addiction in its life-dominating nature. It is so strong that it is nearly impossible to break free without intervention. Failed attempts to let go often lead to secret pursuit of one’s limerence object and shame over hiding the truth from others.
Distance Alone Is Not Enough
You could remove yourself from your limerence object’s social media notifications or be physically hundreds or thousands of miles apart. Ultimately, though, distance alone is not enough for the attraction to go away. It will help, because there will not be quite so many triggers to strengthen the attraction on a daily basis. But it can be kept alive in your heart and mind by allowing memories to remind you of all the things you like about him or her. At least that’s how it went for me.
I’ll use volcano imagery to emphasize my point here. Without intentional redirection of your attention and devotion, the attraction will only become dormant, not extinct. The next time you come into contact with your limerence object, there would be a good chance of a new eruption. After erupting it would take a long time and great effort to cool it down again.
Love God with All Your Heart
This is why I felt for years like I would not be strong enough to face my limerence object. I did not want to risk being drawn in again and start longing for something that was never meant to be. Doing that would take my contentedness away despite the wonderfully blessed life I live.
But turning to Jesus, letting Him become my obsession (a healthy one!) instead of my limerence object – helped make my limerence extinct. He paved the way to freedom and peace as He taught me to love Him with all my heart. (2 Corinthians 3:17, Matthew 22:37-38)
Please don’t doubt that He can work a similar miracle for you if you allow Him. Trust Him and ask Him to remove any doubt that remains, so you have no hesitation following Him wherever He leads. He will show you His marvelous light to illuminate the path out of darkness and fear, toward healing and hope. (1 Peter 2:9)
Is it possible to change how I feel/what is attractive to me?
Yes, God is able to change our hearts to be more like His. He forms us into people who are heartbroken over what breaks His heart and rejoice over things that bring Him joy. He can take our deepest desires, hopes and dreams and reshape them to align with His heart for us and others. (Isaiah 64:8)
It is worth taking the time to ask Him to help you understand what needs to change in your heart. Particulars, of course, will depend on your specific situation. But if anything (such as your attraction to your limerence object) takes your attention and admiration away from God, most assuredly that needs to change.
If you feel distraught and desperate because you have been rejected yet again, that is not what God wants for you. It may be tempting to numb yourself so you feel nothing at all, but He wants to bring you joy again. He delights in you, with all your most intense feelings, misplaced as they may be during an episode of limerence. (Psalm 147:11)
Remember that He will grant anything asked in His name by a heart that truly desires for His will to be done. (John 15:16) You may feel like your attraction to your current limerence object or any potential limerence object is unhealthy in itself. In other words, you may believe you would not be so attracted to this person outside of limerence.
In this case, ask God to work in your heart to remove that attraction. Ask Him to replace it with a desire to know Him more and understand how He is moving through this experience in your life. He will not deny the request of a humble servant who asks Him to reveal more of His glory. (1 Peter 4:13-14)
