Stopping the Emotional Roller Coaster

How can one deal with the emotional roller coaster of limerence? The highs and lows and unpredictable twists and turns are extreme, intense and perplexing. Sometimes it seems like the inner turmoil will never end.

My own experience with limerence could be full of delight one day because I managed to bring a smile to my beloved’s face. Then the next week I would feel dejected after witnessing him talking and laughing with another girl in my class. In the highest likelihood, it was only friendly conversation, but it wasn’t conversation with me, so it hurt. Yet soon enough he would do or say something funny or cute, lifting my spirits again and giving me hope.

It made my life “consistently inconsistent,” a phrase I liked to use to describe my quirks and eccentricities. Of course, it wasn’t so fun when the inconsistency was true of my limerence as well. It was like enjoying the freedom of the wind in my hair from a car toward the front of an amusement park ride one minute and suffering whiplash from a car toward the back the next. Happily, God brings stability and peace in the madness.

Confused by Chaos

At times the thoughts that enter our minds in limerence may be aptly characterized as “racing.” Within seconds, a thought train accumulates into a high-speed roller coaster that is destined to crash at any moment. Focus on anything except those thoughts is extremely difficult because they swirl constantly at the forefront. At the same time, they occur in such rapid succession that it can be hard to make sense of them. Great distress and confusion come from them, to the point of inability to make sound judgments. Yet they are born of desperation that demands immediate action.

A couple of examples from my experience are when I cut my own bangs and when I sneaked out of my house to see one of my guy friends. In the summer of 2005, I felt so anxious that I couldn’t just sit with my thoughts – I had to do something. So I took a lock of hair from the front right side of my head and snipped it to bang length. It was very out of character for me but in the moment I felt compelled to make a change. About 2 years later I was reeling from rejection from my limerence object and trying to replace him with a male friend of mine. So in the middle of the night I walked a mile to my friend’s house to pursue a relationship with him. I was too desperate to wait even until daylight.

In those moments of desperation, confusion and chaos, the only source of lasting calm is Jesus. While our thoughts pile up, changing from one to the next in less than a second, He never changes. (Hebrews 13:8) Our desperation should bring us to our knees in prayer to Him for help. “Be still and know that I am God,” the Lord tells us (Psalm 46:10). I could not quiet my own thoughts, but if I had allowed Him to fill my mind with images of His glory, the confusion would have faded quickly.

We must choose to acknowledge our inability to handle limerence on our own and gaze upon Him instead. In doing so we will be rewarded with supernatural strength of heart and unexplainable calm of mind. (Philippians 4:7) That strength comes from His power transforming the most vulnerable aspects of our lives. (Romans 12:2) Then amazing calm is a result of seeing His power at work, because that same power is on our side!

Misguided by False Hope

In the higher points of the emotional roller coaster, it is all too easy to cling to false hope. A simple “hello” or perhaps the rare meaningful conversation with our limerence objects propels us into blissful delusion. “Maybe (s)he feels the same way after all,” we think, relieved and excited by the possibility of fulfilled dreams. Unfortunately, it prolongs the madness, sending us around the track once again. Eventually, this leads to even deeper despair as we realize the truth that we were deceiving ourselves.

Our God is the God of true hope, though. His love never fails us! (1 Corinthians 13:8) The promises He makes us always come true, as seen throughout biblical history and in our lives today too. He is not one to deceive or mislead, as our hearts are prone to do. Instead, His mercy is new for us every morning, even though we have so often put our limerence objects before Him. (Lamentations 3:22-23) When we ask Him humbly for the deliverance only He can provide, He will graciously give it to us. (Acts 2:21)

One day all the pain and suffering we experience now will be gone forever, easily forgotten in His glorious presence. (2 Corinthians 4:17) While it may not seem believable in the throes of limerence, there is nothing better than being near Him. We have the true hope of being with Him forever, which serves as a life-saving anchor in troubled times. (Hebrews 6:19)

Stability in the Storm

When most people think of the metaphorical storms in their lives, they think of things like financial hardship or wayward children. However, limerence causes so much anxiety and can leave such great destruction that it absolutely qualifies as a storm. At times we experience life in the eye of the limerence storm, where things are relatively calm. Unfortunately, far longer is the raging sea and torrential rain that make us feel like we are drowning. Nothing feels safe, secure, or stable in such a situation because even survival is uncertain.

Nonetheless, all we need to do is call on Jesus to bring calm, to hear Him say, “Peace, be still,” and watch the storm fade away. (Mark 4:39) He has amazing power to change our lives for the better in miraculous ways, including freeing us from limerence. The resulting stability and peace of heart and mind are beyond praiseworthy, but we must remember only He has such power. Our own willpower is insufficient, but His grace is sufficient to give us strength, however long the storm is set to last. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Peace in God’s Control

Out of our human nature, we want so much to be in control of our own lives. The outcomes of our romantic relationships, real or imagined, are no exception. It is nothing short of a sacrifice to let go of things we feel we need. As those who are prone to limerence, what do we feel we need more than anything? Our limerence objects – because they have become part of who we are. Separating ourselves from them is nearly impossible.

There is incredible peace in surrendering to God’s will, though. This is true even when it means making that sacrifice we are ill-prepared to make: letting go for good. Simply put, we are made to follow Him, despite the temptation to follow our own hearts. Further, our true identity is found in Him, as adopted, beloved children of the Most High God. (1 John 3:1, Romans 8:16-17) Knowing our heavenly Father is in control, painful as our lives may be in the face of rejection, gives us blessed assurance. When we take control, we experience increased pain, but when we let Him lead the way, we find peace. (Psalm 23)

That blessing of peace far outweighs the sacrifice of reciprocation from our limerence objects, who are not good for us. If they were, why would God keep them from loving us in return? He does not withhold any good thing from us. (Psalm 84:11) By taking refuge in Christ as we ride the emotional roller coaster of limerence, we have greater clarity. Without fear and anxiety, it becomes easier to recognize and reject the lies Satan wants to tell us about knowing better than God what we need.

Additionally, we are protected from further heartbreak as He tends to the wounds in our hearts and heals them. It takes a lot of trust in Him to believe these truths fully. Still, He is faithful to reveal His joy and peace to be greater than any earthly happiness. (Philippians 1:23)

Conclusion

As believers we can fight confusion from the twists, turns, highs, lows, loops and sudden drops on the roller coaster of limerence. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, who loves you beyond measure and will use this struggle for good in your life. It may seem chaotic and hopeless now, but hope in Him is our anchor for eternity. No one and nothing can take us out of His strong yet gentle hands. He will bring peace and rest to those who place their faith in Him.