Platonic friendship occurs between two people who consider themselves friends but are not mutually romantically interested in each other. Maintaining healthy platonic friendships comes naturally for most people, who are not susceptible to limerence. However, for those who have experienced limerence, it is difficult not to hope one of those friendships will turn romantic.
There were few guys in my grade at school whom I would not have considered as a potential romantic other. I never really quantified it before now, but my small private school class consisted of approximately 50 students total. About half of them were male, with whom probably only 4 or 5 I would have declined a romantic relationship. That’s roughly 80% I would have dated for at least a little while – if they had wanted to date me.
My frustration often was palpable, I must admit. Though I enjoyed learning at school, the potential for a romantic relationship was more important to me than my education. Still, no one asked me to be his date for the annual high school banquets, which was deeply disappointing. Early in my college years, my then-boyfriend told me half of the guys in our church youth group had a crush on me at some point. That news was mildly flattering, but I couldn’t help wondering, ‘Why did they never act on it? Most likely I would have said yes.’
I look back on all this with gratitude that the Lord spared me from unnecessary dating relationships. Forcing me to endure platonic friendship for a few more years afforded me greater freedom to pursue Him instead. But I remember well the struggle of being content with life in the “friend zone.” So this post will focus on answering certain questions a person who has experienced limerence might have about maintaining platonic friendship.
Am I alone in struggling to be only friends with the opposite sex?
Absolutely not, you are among many friends in this struggle. For those who have experienced limerence, the hope for romantic interest can get in the way of a good friendship. It may well be that you wouldn’t naturally have been interested in him or her romantically. Still, the thought that he/she might be interested in you likely triggers the questions, “What if we were together? Could he/she be the one for me?”
Unfortunately, of course, the friendship can become awkward if the potential romantic interest was only perceived rather than actually present. Try not to blame yourself unnecessarily for any uncomfortable conversations or misread body language. Probably, that will only make you feel worse by inviting shame to put even more distance between the two of you. Instead, try the following ways that should make it easier to navigate such platonic friendship.
1. Go to the Lord with your desires, dreams and disappointments.
1 Peter 5:6-7: “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God… casting all your anxieties upon Him, for He cares for you.”
God knows what you are going through already, but He invites you to pour out your heart to Him. Above all He wants a close relationship with you, not just as a friend but as a good, compassionate father. The simple act of sharing with Him about your life, with all its triumphs and struggles, fosters that relationship.
In abundance He will provide comfort, assurance, companionship, encouragement and anything else you need. Whatever you may have felt your platonic friendship was lacking will not be such a burden because God carries that burden for you. With His help you will take delight in His divine, majestic, glorious, unchanging nature, which is altogether perfect. (Deuteronomy 32:4)
Remember James 1:2-4: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
2. Take some time away from your friend if necessary.
If you think it would be helpful to distance yourself temporarily, do not hesitate to speak up. Be open enough with your friend to explain that you need some space to process what is happening in your heart. While he/she probably does not fully understand your perspective, a good friend will allow you the time and space you need.
Proverbs 17:17 tells us, “A friend loves at all times.” If your friend loves you with brotherly love, a little time apart will be perfectly acceptable. Then when you are ready, continue having fun together as friends, trusting God to provide strength and contentment as required.
3. Enjoy the friendship for all it is worth.
Apart from the romantic relationship you desire, surely there is much to love about your friendship. Think about these questions as a starting point: What kinds of interests or hobbies do you have in common? Which character qualities do you admire in your friend? What are your fondest memories with him/her? Certainly, singleness feels distinctly lonely, but with a true friend you are never really alone. Focus on what wonderful things you do have in your friendship and trust God to fulfill any need that may be left over.
Proverbs 18:24: “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Hopefully, you have found this loyalty in your friendship, because it is one of the most rewarding platonic relationships. Either way, you can be similarly gracious and loyal to your friend and enjoy the love and laughter that result.
How do I stop wanting more than just friendship?
Trying not to hope for more than friendship with someone is a battle between heart and mind. I would argue this is one of the most difficult kinds of battles. We have full awareness of being unable to obtain returned affection, but it seems impossible to change how we feel.
God is able to change both our hearts and our minds, though. As we choose to trust Him in spite of our feelings, He will turn our hearts toward Him in praise. For He stays close to us in our toughest times and leads us to even better days than we can imagine. (Ephesians 3:20-21) He will steadily lessen our desire for anything that opposes His good and perfect will for our lives.
In Romans 12:1-2 Paul urges believers, “Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
If it is not His will for a friend to return romantic affection, that must be good and acceptable and perfect in His eyes. In time He can show us how that is true. Until then He will reveal each next step we must take to keep trusting and following Him.
A verse from Psalm 86 also comes to mind, “Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth. Unite my heart to fear your name.” (Psalm 86:11) If your heart and mind are divided by platonic friendship you wish could be more than friendship, make this verse your prayer. Trusting God comes first, then He will make the truth clear to you. Change to your desires, thoughts and feelings will follow.
Can I be just friends with my limerence object?
Personally, I believe it is possible to have a healthy friendship with one’s limerence object following recovery from limerence. If your limerence is ongoing, be very careful to maintain good boundaries. For example, you could limit the times you reach out to once or twice every week (say, after dinner on Tuesday, or late morning on Saturday). This should lessen anxiety associated with wanting to contact your friend by constraining the possibility of contact to a certain day and time.
Note that it may be wise to cut off contact altogether if reaching out only causes you pain. However, the decision to break contact should be based on direction from God clarifying that is the best course of action. Pray about it first and know that you may be able to communicate with him or her again someday. Reestablishing contact should take place only after more prayer and confirmation from the Holy Spirit accordingly.
In any case, to be just friends with your limerence object requires reaching a place of significant peace and strength. Always consider the good God wants for you. He wants you to be fully delighted by Him and healed from anything that breaks your heart. To experience His love and joy in a way that makes everything else fade to the background – even more than your limerence has done. (Psalm 16:11)
Realize and believe with your whole heart that Jesus is the best friend anyone could ever have. (John 15:15) He is faithful, gracious, forgiving and wise in all respects. So first allow Him to help you heal and bring peace to your heart and mind. Then perhaps you can pursue friendship with your limerence object, if He says yes when you ask.
