During a holiday season, anger is completely opposite to what anyone should feel. However, limerence invokes many unpleasant emotions and anger very well may be among them. This article reviews levels of anger, reasons for anger in limerence, consequences of anger and biblical ways to counteract anger.
Levels of Anger
It seems to me there are four main levels of anger, plus another level that is not so easily perceived. From mildest to most severe, the four levels are annoyed, frustrated, peeved and furious. The “bonus” level is subconscious anger, which is hard to rank because it varies in severity.
Annoyed
Being annoyed is the mildest and probably the most common level of anger. It is easy to shrug off annoyance because it does not trigger temptation in our hearts. The time to cool down is minimal, normally mere seconds to 2 or 3 minutes.
Frustrated
Having to endure repeated instances of being annoyed leads to frustration. When we are frustrated it is a little harder to simply forget whatever upset us due to the repeated offense. However, usually we do not desire to repay the offense, at least not with the intent to do any serious harm. Cooldown time may be between 5 and 30 minutes.
Peeved
Some might call this level of anger “pissed,” or as I would prefer, “ticked.” In this case, something has upset us so much we might become visibly flushed for a few minutes. Or we may feel compelled to take immediate action to remedy the situation. At this level, we need to be careful and remember Ephesians 4:26: “In your anger, do not sin.” Typically, though, it does not take longer than a day or two to become unpeeved.
Furious
Generally, it takes many repeated minor offenses, or one major offense, to make a person furious. This level of anger is deep-seated and moves one to action, whether for good or for harm. Perhaps it could also be categorized as “murderous.” It calls to mind the anger of a man whose daughter was murdered seeking vengeance against the murderer.
Whatever the situation, fury is often dangerous and must be handled very carefully and intentionally. Seeking anger management therapy is a good idea at this point. Even with a biblical counselor who gives clear, wise direction, it can take weeks to recover from such consuming anger.
Subconscious Anger
Some people including myself may experience subconscious anger. Like fury, this too can be dangerous because it can manifest suddenly and sometimes explosively. I’ll give a couple of examples of subconscious anger in my own life for clarity.
Example 1
When I was 9 years old, my parents divorced. On the surface I was fine, but the truth is I was deeply upset. I didn’t recognize or know how to express or release my emotions. It showed in my handwriting, which previously had been very neat and easy to read. Shortly after my dad moved out, my writing became sharp and jagged to the point of being nearly illegible.
My teacher took me aside to ask what happened and I wordlessly agreed to write neatly again. Aside from this event, I had not been conscious of the anger in my heart. This was a relatively harmless manifestation, but if unchecked it could have reared a rather ugly head later.
Example 2
In 2019, my daughter was stillborn. The following mid-morning in our quiet house I felt several different emotions. Among them were sadness and grief, uncertainty, peace, and joy that she was already with Jesus. Then I noticed I was becoming particularly irritable for no apparent reason, starting to feel markedly discontent despite living a wonderful life. It was then that I realized I was experiencing subconscious anger once again. I prayed to God for His peace to reign in my heart (Colossians 3:15), which God provided abundantly.
As in the first example, my anger was curtailed relatively quickly, before it could grow into a much bigger problem. This is the ideal case, especially with subconscious anger due to its inherent difficulty to recognize. In trying situations such as limerence, pray for wisdom and for peace. This will help guard against anger that might otherwise creep into your heart and threaten your spiritual wellbeing.
Anger in Limerence
Limerence can cause us to be angry for many reasons. For me, some of the reasons included frustration, envy and/or jealousy, pride, and shame.
Frustration
It was extremely frustrating to fail, over and over again, to win the heart of the one I loved. Every time I tried something new, I thought I had a better plan than the last. A plan that should have started me on the path to forever with him, first as closer friends, then as inseparable soulmates. But it never worked, and I had had enough.
The Lord is merciful, though, often not allowing to let us proceed down a path that would lead to destruction. I imagined happiness greater than I had ever known, where God probably saw lack of peace always trying to exceed expectations of me. My hope was forever in marriage, when it likely would have ended in divorce – if there was even a marriage in the first place.
Indeed, it was frustrating to face defeat, but the ruins that would have been left otherwise are far worse. I thank God for sparing me from that path, for keeping me on the “strait and narrow” way of life. (Matthew 7:13-14)
Envy/Jealousy
Whenever another girl in my class was asked to a school event by a boy in my class, I was envious. All I wanted was to have a date, a boyfriend, someone by my side as more than a friend. And if the boy asking that girl was my limerence object, my envy morphed into jealousy. Knowing what Jesus teaches about loving others (Mark 12:31), I tried to be happy for the other girl. Still, it hurt deeply, and I wondered why it couldn’t be me instead.
Envy and jealousy make us feel like something has been stolen from us. But everything and everyone belong to God, and He asks us to be content in our circumstances. When life seems out of control or generally not as it should be, we are secure in His care. As Hebrews 13:5 says, “Be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘I will never leave you, nor forsake you.’” This means even if we do not have our limerence object’s love, we learn to be content with God’s love.
Pride
As my limerence intensified, my resolve to do everything in my power to win his heart my way grew in kind. I was trying to trust God to work out His will, while pursuing my plans with great rigor and determination. The “war of love,” as I called it, was “raging in my heart.” Only falling apart would stop me from continuing to fight for his heart.
I felt I had a right to be happy just like everyone else seemed to be, and that could only happen with him. Would anyone dare to get in the way of my pursuit of happiness with the one I loved? Well, that person should be prepared to suffer my wrath.
There is so much wrong with that attitude. Yes, I loved God and wanted to follow Him, but I was not accepting His will as “good and perfect.” (Romans 12:2) The only right I have, as one with a sinful nature, is to be destroyed by my sinful ways. (Romans 6:23a) And pouring out wrath upon another human being invites the much greater wrath of God upon myself. (Matthew 18:34-35)
Praisefully, God loved me and everyone in the world enough to place that wrath upon Jesus instead. (1 Thessalonians 1:10) He gave us the right to become children of God! (John 1:12) This does not mean that we can boast about it or judge anyone else as unworthy of such a right. Instead, we give Him the glory because we ourselves were undeserving, but His grace outweighed our unworthiness. (Romans 5:15)
Shame
Here the anger turns inward, feeling shame for struggling so much with limerence. The phrase “I hate myself for loving you” comes to mind. While I never really hated myself for loving my limerence object, I was upset with myself for not being able to let go more easily. It was the one thing that “setting my mind to it” could not help me overcome. Hiding the truth from my friends who told me to move on made me feel a little embarrassed and ashamed.
The Bible says in Luke 8:17, “For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest. Nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.” In other words, if you are ashamed about your struggle, tell someone about it who can really help you. Start with God, who abounds in love and grace toward you, then work your way to telling others.
You are not alone in this experience, so you do not have to feel ashamed or mad at yourself about it. And godly friends will be happy to pray for you and offer any other support they can to help you overcome it.
Consequences of Unchecked Anger
If anger is allowed to continue, most probably it will lead to sin. The list of consequences here includes retaliation or revenge, hatred, and strife and division, but it is not limited to these.
Retaliation or Revenge
Anger that leads to retaliation or revenge starts a cycle of evil, where each evil act attempts to outdo the previous. There is little or no satisfaction but only increasing bloodlust. By contrast the Bible says, “Outdo one another in showing honor,” “Love your enemies,” and “Overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:10, Matthew 5:43-44, Romans 12:21)
Further, ultimately revenge belongs to God. Whatever may “be coming” to those who have wronged you, it will come from God. Romans 12:19 instructs us, “Never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord.’”
Hatred
Nurturing anger leads to great hatred for all who have offended you. It fosters enmity for those who even seem to be a threat. Soon there is no room for mercy, let alone forgiveness. However, Colossians 3:13 urges us, “Forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
So, if someone “steals” the object of your affection, forgive him or her. It may be that they will have true love together. You know how it feels to have that taken away. Choose to show love toward them instead and God will bless you in an even greater way in His time. (Deuteronomy 28:12)
Strife and Division
The words “strife and division” make me think of the increase in the number of protests in the U.S. over the last decade or so. I don’t have statistics, but many angry people have taken to the streets with picket signs and disdain for all who disagree with them.
In the context of limerence, this looks more like cutting off a friend who ends up in a relationship with your limerence object. Or perhaps gathering together a group of friends who are “on your side” and plotting against your former friend. Either way, the Bible says we are to be “of one mind,” to be united and not divided. (Philippians 2:2) Therefore, do not allow the anger you may feel in limerence to come between you and your family or friends.
Counteracting Anger
The Bible gives us advice about how to stop unrighteous anger before it causes us to sin. Some of the ways we can counteract anger are practicing self-control, choosing forgiveness and humility.
Self-Control
Though self-control is the last of the list in the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), I believe it is not the least. Those who have experienced limerence know how much self-control it takes to keep from saying or doing too much. It is extremely difficult to hold back when all you want is for that one special person to love you back.
In addition, self-control can keep any anger you feel in check. When you sense it building, you can take a mental step back and think wisely about what to do next. Doing this follows the advice to be “slow to anger to your glory,” as written in Proverbs 19:11. Depending on the situation (and how much you think about it) there may be subsequent waves of anger. You can meet each wave with another step back using self-control.
Live according to Titus 2:11-12: “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age.”
Forgiveness
Where others have gotten in the way of you being with your limerence object, allow yourself to forgive them. Likewise extend grace and forgiveness to yourself, because we are all weak in our own ways. Limerence is just one of our weaknesses. Perhaps it is the biggest weakness, but remember that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Forgiving both ourselves and others will enable us to enjoy the peace that passes all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)
Humility
Pride blinds us to the reality that God’s plan is the best plan. If we feel like we need to start taking matters into our own hands because nothing else is working, that is prideful and we will fall hard if we choose that path. Psalm 46:10 reminds of us God’s sovereignty. “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” And Jeremiah 29:11 assures us, “I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you.”
God will reward a humble heart with His greatest blessings. (Matthew 5:5) But to enjoy these blessings, we must trust and follow Him above our own plans. Let the sword of truth slash the balloon of your pride and take hold of His steadfast love, with thanks in your heart.
