How to move on is the number one question in the minds of many who are experiencing limerence. It is seemingly impossible to fully let go, yet often it’s what has to be done to end the suffering.
Ruminating on what could have been and pervasive feelings of emptiness were key factors in pulling me back to limerence. I declined advice to move on because it was the one thing I found I could not do. Still, I could not continue living with such angst forever, so eventually I knew I had to try again. In this article I address questions centered around these concerns.
How do I move on when I am haunted by so many unanswered “what-if” questions?
“What-if” questions can confuse us and cause great unrest in our hearts. This is true in any area of life. We look back and think, I made this choice, but what if I had chosen differently instead? If I had done or said something else, or only thought more before making my decision, would things have turned out better?
The “what-if” questions that consume our minds in limerence are even more haunting. We wrestle with thoughts like, if I had held back a little more, would he/she have stayed? If I had tried a little harder, would I finally have succeeded in getting him/her to love me back?
God Makes No Mistakes
God makes no mistakes in the plans He makes and the details He allows to take place. (Psalm 18:30) By contrast, we make many mistakes, a fact we know all too well. In the heightened state of limerence, our errors in judgment make us feel especially guilty and inadequate. But Jesus paid for all our mistakes and shortcomings, as only He could, being the only perfect one in existence. (Romans 3:23-25)
Whatever we feel we could have done better, and however we choose to respond to God’s instructions, He is in control. We cannot change “destiny”, so to speak, because He will bring His will to life one way or another. If something is meant to be by God, nothing and no one can ultimately get in the way. (Ephesians 1:4-6)
We Can Live In Peace
Let this encourage you, friends. This does not mean that nothing you do makes a difference. On the contrary, all actions have consequences. But it does mean you can be at peace with the outcome, no matter what you have or have not done.
Try to be reconciled with your limerence objects to the extent possible, if no-contact is not for you. (Romans 12:18) At the same time, give God room to work in spite of (or because of) whatever distance may exist between you. (Isaiah 40:31) And when the “what-if” questions threaten your contentedness in Christ, talk to Him about them so He can give you peace in return. (1 Peter 5:6-7)
I had a dream about him or her and it has set me back again. Why does this keep happening?
While trying to move on, it doesn’t help the process to have a dream about being with our limerence objects. But sometimes dreams reflect the cries of our hearts, and that means sometimes we will dream about them.
Thankfully, some of these dreams are lost in our subconscious minds by the time we wake up, so we have no memory of them. Those we do remember, however, can be very troubling.
God Uses Setbacks to Keep Us Humble
Dreams like this often are used by God to remind us of our need for Him, to keep us humble. (Proverbs 29:23) If we are doing well, we may feel less like we need His constant guidance. But we need Him always, even when things are going well.
According to James 1:17, He is the one who provides all gifts and blessings. Job 1:21 tells us He has the right to take them away. He may be especially inclined to take them away if we do not respond to them in a Christlike manner. So, a dream about our limerence objects may be just what we need to bring us close to Him again.
Moving On Is a Journey
Also, moving on from limerence is nothing short of a journey, and journeys sometimes require a little bit of backtracking. That means you may take several steps forward all at once, gaining momentum happily. Then when you are met with a trigger, you may end up taking a few steps back.
One positive thing about this is when you take the next steps forward again, it should be easier and faster. You’ve done it before, so you can see the obstacles coming. Remember Psalm 23:4: “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” There is nothing to fear when Jesus is lighting the way forward for you.
Press on Toward the Goal
Philippians 3:13-14 is likewise helpful to keep in mind. “One thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” The goal of being free may or may not be in sight for you, but Jesus is always with you to encourage you to keep going.
Honestly, I feel empty without him/her. This emptiness compels me to allow my limerence to come back. What else can I do?
When you find your identity in another person, letting go of that person leaves a void that is difficult to fill. Life often doesn’t seem as exciting or motivating anymore, because you have lost hope of having what you wanted most. Such a deeply empty feeling should lead you to Christ, the only one who can truly fill your heart. (Ephesians 3:19, John 4:14, Psalm 17:15)
Speaking from experience, the risk is high for extended periods of this profound emptiness and loneliness to lead to suicidal thoughts. Therefore, it is not only unwise but also dangerous to go back to limerence repeatedly. Each episode is usually stronger than the last, and the emptiness after letting go is greater accordingly.
Yes, it is extremely painful to move on from someone who has become your whole life. Nonetheless it is the best thing you can do when he or she clearly won’t return your affection. You could try to do it without Jesus, but with Him on your side it will be so much easier. For Christ is your life, God’s Word says, and apart from Him, you can do nothing. (Colossians 3:4, John 15:5)
God is able to give you strength and courage beyond your own ability, and joy to the full. (Joshua 1:9, John 16:24) You need only to have a little faith in Him, only a little part of you that believes He can help you. Then He will make the impossible – moving on and thriving just as much as before – come to fruition. (Matthew 17:20)
