Looking at our unrightful thought and heart captivators (UTHC) sometimes feels like staring at the epitome of perfection. Being with them is so sweet that it completely eclipses their faults in our eyes. However, God’s standard of goodness and righteousness far exceeds any goodness we see in them. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, God sees His Son’s goodness when He looks at us. Only Jesus could live a perfect life, indwell us through His Spirit and work out His goodness in our lives.
Our Hearts Deceive Us
Having to endure rejection while harboring limerence for a person is undeniably crushing. Sometimes, though, in the happier moments, I felt like life in limerence was pretty good. My songwriting was more inspired by my ever-deepening romantic attraction than it had ever been by other life experiences.
At the thought that my affection might be returned, my heart felt incredibly full. What could be better, I wondered, than the pure bliss of having requited love with him? It would be like heaven on earth, perfection to last a lifetime and more. My heart was misleading me, just like the hearts of so many before me who have listened to their own desires.
Jeremiah 17:9 – “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”
Our hearts truly deceive us into believing what we want to believe. Where others, who can assess the situation more objectively, see red flags and dealbreakers, we see innocence. If our UTHC somehow offend us, we either assume we misunderstood or conclude it was our own fault.
We don’t want to believe that they are not the solution to our loneliness. But we cannot trust our hearts to lead us along the path of everlasting goodness and joy. Only following God, walking with Him and desiring His righteousness with our whole hearts, can get us there.
Matthew 5:6 – “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.”
Pursue What Is Really Good
Speaking for myself especially, while still spiritually immature, we may think we can be good on our own. We try to do the right thing, we don’t cheat on exams or taxes or each other. Occasionally, we give to those less affluent than ourselves. For our UTHC, we do whatever is in our power to make life better and happier for them. Though all we want is to be with them all the time, we seek to accommodate their wishes.
So we allow them to take as much space and time for themselves as they need. This way (we hope) we won’t seem as obsessed as we really are. If we feel confident enough, we may even attempt a grand gesture, hoping to demonstrate our goodwill and love toward them. In short, we work hard to be as good for them as they seem to be to us.
Ephesians 2:4-5 – “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.”
Despite our best effort, in no way can we save ourselves from our natural inclination toward selfish ambition. Our motivation for focusing so much time and energy on them is the hope that they will fulfill our hearts’ desire for love in return. If we are not pursuing Jesus first, we are pursuing love of ourselves, which leads to anything but good.
The objects of our affection are selfish creatures too, and therefore, they cannot save us from misery or even loneliness. As amazing as they are in our eyes, they are just as in need of salvation as we are. To know what is really good, we must pursue Jesus, the only perfect person.
Jesus Lived a Good Life for Us
This is the heart of the gospel: Jesus lived a good life on fallen humankind’s behalf. He became the spotless lamb who was slain to give us eternal life in the glorious goodness of His presence.
2 Corinthians 5:21 – “He who knew no sin became sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God.”
Once we are saved, we lay claim to the perfection of our Lord Jesus Christ. His goodness covers our sin, enabling us to live good lives that are filled with undying hope. This hope is not for a perfect, happy-ever-after life on earth with the ones who have won our affection. Rather, it is in the sure future of everlasting life with our good Father in heaven.
1 Peter 1:3 – “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.”
From Former Desires to New Identity
Ezekiel 36:26 – “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.”
A very large part of my heart died when I realized I did not have my UTHC’s heart in return. It had become beaten and broken and could not go on any longer on its own. Thankfully, out of His great mercy and goodness, God lifted my shattered heart with His healing hands. He formed a new heart within me, just as He promised His people in the time of the prophet Ezekiel.
2 Corinthians 5:17 –“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
As I struggled to let go of my former identity as the one who would always love my UTHC, He gave me a new identity as His beloved daughter. He instilled in my soul new motivation to live for Him, who works all things together for my good, instead of for others who would ultimately only break my heart. In it He placed a desire to seek Him first, and trust that He would reveal the goodness of His plan in time.
It is a tremendous sacrifice to let go of our pursuit of requited love. But it pales to nothing in comparison to our Savior’s sacrifice for us. Remembering His amazing love for us calls us to live in a way that is honoring to Him, by keeping His commands.
This means surrendering our most engrained desires to Him. He knows our needs and how best to fulfill them. We need only to trust and follow Him to experience goodness beyond our imagination in His wonderful presence.
Growing in Goodness
The Holy Spirit, as with all the fruit of the Spirit, is instrumental in this sanctifying work. As we fix our eyes on our precious Lord, the author and perfecter of our faith, Christlike goodness transforms our lives.
In the process of recovering from limerence, this may look like conviction of and cessation of lowering personal standards to please the object of our affection. It means identifying with the suffering and death of Christ for the joy and life set before us.
We declare that no shackles of fear or misplaced obsession can keep their hold on our lives anymore. For Jesus who embodied goodness on our behalf has won the battle for our righteousness and freedom forevermore.
Romans 6:17-18 – “But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed. And having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.”
