As Thanksgiving approaches, those experiencing the extremes of limerence may be feeling anything but thankful. Bitterness may be quickly stealing your joy despite everyone around wishing you nothing but peace and happiness.
The contrast between your innermost feelings and the apparently far reach to happier days can make the holidays especially stressful. But God is merciful to guide you through this season just as closely as any happier time in life. As Jesus assures us in John 16:33, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, for I have overcome the world.”
Bitterness in Limerence
Many things about limerence provide a clear indication that life is not supposed to be this way. For me, one of the main indicators was how ultimate rejection drained out my life like water in a sieve. Such profound loss of hope and motivation is not sustainable for the human heart.
Any situation that makes us feel so numb and powerless makes us more prone to harboring bitterness in our hearts. Limerence comes with its own unique reasons for starting to feel bitter, as many of us know firsthand.
Following are some of the reasons I experienced bitterness. Perhaps you resonate with some or all of these struggles.
Unfulfilled Hopes and Desires
From the time I was 6 years old, my life goal was to be married to my best friend. After I finally realized this would never happen, it left a bitter emptiness in my heart. Nothing else could take the place of having his love in return. Knowing I would never have it turned my perspective on life dark and unfeeling. I learned not to want anything anymore, or I would only be hurt again.
In answer to this God taught me to want what He wants for me. If that meant losing my whole self, which is what it seemed like to let go of my limerence object, it would be worth it to live for my Savior who gave His life for me. (Matthew 16:24)
Comparison to Others
While I battled with all my strength to survive, others seemed to be living their lives to the fullest. I kept hearing inspirational stories with the tag line, “If I can do it, you can too.” But how can anyone really be expected to do anything when they carry such a heavy emotional weight?
It was disheartening to think I might not be able to get back to a more carefree existence. Back to genuinely thriving and enjoying my life. Praise God, those moments do not last forever for those who trust in Him. (Isaiah 25:9)
Lost Joy
When I lived under the illusion that My Sweet Beloved loved me back, I could hardly stop smiling. The only things that would have been able to bring me down was if he had died or changed his mind. When the truth was revealed, my joy was lost completely. Apparently, my memory was only a powerful hallucination, and he didn’t love me after all. At least not the way I wanted and needed him to love me – as more than a friend.
I had never known such a crushing disappointment before that day, nor have I since. It took many months, about 2 ½ years, before my joy began to return. The main reason it took so long, however, is because I kept my limerence going intentionally. If I had chosen to let go sooner, it would have been an easier path and a shorter time before I felt lasting joy again. It was only when I finally placed the whole situation in God’s hands (not just most of it, but all of it) that bitterness left and joy could be mine once more.
Thwarted Plans
I take a decent amount of pride in my plans and strategies. Having grown up with an older sister who was abusive toward me, I became protective of what was mine. I learned to think ahead to prevent potential problems or mishaps. That way I could keep her from hurting me and my belongings as much as possible.
This also normally helped me carry out plans for school assignments as needed without much trouble. So when my plans of being with my limerence object were ultimately thwarted, I was at my wit’s end. I learned bitterly that I could not make him love me. My best efforts had proved unsuccessful, and I couldn’t change the outcome no matter what I did.
I had to accept that God is in control, not me. He knows what is best, even when it feels like the worst at first. The truth in Isaiah 55:8-9 reminded me that His ways are higher than my ways. God is in control of your life too, and He does know best, though it may feel like the darkest days of your life. Time will reveal that He is leading you into His marvelous light. (1 Peter 2:9)
Lackluster Life
Without my passion for my limerence object motivating my every move, I faced uncomfortable complacency in life. Before, I had felt amazingly alive and now, I just felt empty and hopeless. How was I ever going to find something to excite me like pursuing my limerence object had?
Only by waiting on the Lord to save me could I feel so alive again, was the answer I found. His grace was sufficient for me to let Him invoke a greater passion than ever before. (2 Corinthians 12:9) He could stir up a wildfire in my heart even brighter than the inferno I held for my limerence object.
For Christ alone was worthy of my eternal devotion. He was the only one who would never disappoint or reject me, who would never leave me nor forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5) I am His and He is mine, now and forevermore. You can call Him yours and He calls you His beloved forever too. He loves us all with all of His heart.
Consequences of Unchecked Bitterness
While it is tempting to allow bitterness to remain in our hearts, we must be careful not to let it. If unchecked, bitterness leads to adverse consequences that are much more difficult to reverse. It is like a weed in this way, which starts small and easy to pull up. But if left alone it grows deep roots that can only be removed with great force.
In Hebrews 12:14-15, Paul exhorts us, “Follow peace and holiness, looking diligently lest any root of bitterness trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” In my own life bitterness led to cynicism and lack of compassion for others.
Cynicism
I was losing the always-positive outlook I loved about myself, battling sentiments more cynical people I knew had expressed. Thoughts like, “What is the point anymore?” and “This is such a small thing, why should I care?” began to enter my mind. Bitterness growing past this point would have led to much worse uncharacteristic thoughts and actions.
Lack of Compassion
Focusing on what we have lost and what did not go according to our plans desensitizes us to others’ thoughts and feelings. In a state of self-pity and fighting against God’s will for me, I could only address my own problems. There was no room for me to listen to others’ plights or pray for them if I had not first prayed for help myself.
Obviously, this is not the way God wants us to live. He has compassion on us no matter how busy He is with other things. (See Matthew 9:36.) It is to our joy to emulate Him in showing others compassion, so bitterness must be stopped when it starts.
Other Ungodly Characteristics
Above are only two of many possible undesirable outcomes. Be watchful for other ungodly characteristics in your life. The enemy uses times of trouble to skew our perspective, but God’s Word will always set the record straight. (See 1 Corinthians 2:10.)
Counteracting Bitterness
The Bible offers several ways to fight against bitterness. We can start to uproot it with three things in particular: thankfulness, prayer and community.
Thankfulness
Ephesians 5:20 invites us to “give thanks always and for everything.” This is a particularly apt verse for the season of Thanksgiving. While understandably you may be not thankful for everything, you can always be thankful in everything. God works through everything to shape you into a more effective, humbler servant of Him. If nothing else comes to mind, you can thank Him that this hardship will not last forever.
Prayer
God listens to every word we say and truly cares about our lives. This is no less true even when we go on and on about the smallest details. Keep in mind 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”
Sometimes when I am having an especially stressful day I will spend 30-40 minutes just talking to Him. By the end, I’ve been reminded of how good and faithful He is and feel much better. It is worth a try when you feel overwhelmed; He draws close to us when we draw close to Him. (James 4:8)
Community
Engaging in Christian community is always uplifting, and that is by design. You find authenticity, empathy and brotherly love that does not end when you confess your faults and weaknesses. Furthermore, God listens to us even more when we unite in prayer to Him. Matthew 18:19-20 says, “Where two or more are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
In other words, His presence is felt even more greatly when we gather together in His name. There is nothing better than being in His presence (Psalm 16:11), so let us embrace community. Even when we would rather be alone, let us gather anyway because we know we will be glad we did.
