A new year can elicit all kinds of emotions. It may bring excitement for what’s ahead, induce fear about challenges that await, or even do both at the same time. In the days and months following limerent heartbreak, you may feel paralyzed by uncertainty, or even dread, at the thought of facing the unknown.
Let me assure you that hard times do not last forever. There is a time and a season for everything (Ecclesiastes 3). It may feel like the trials will never end, especially because the duration of the difficulty is unknown. Even if it takes years – I pray that it will not be so long for you but in limerence it often does – there will be an end to your suffering. You will smile and find joy once again.
Identity Crisis
When I finally realized the one I loved (I refer to him as my sweet beloved, MSB for short) would never love me back, I started to have an identity crisis. Loving him was the core of who I was. Without his love in return, who was I? I was the one who would love him forever anyway, I decided.
My rationale was that it simply wasn’t possible for me to let him go. I would live my life loving him with all my heart, even though I would never have his heart. That was all I could do to keep my sanity in the moment, but it wasn’t the right decision. Just as I wanted all of MSB’s heart in return for my love, God wanted all of my heart in return for His love.
The Bible says it is not possible to serve two masters at the same time (Matthew 6:24-26). While the context of this verse is related to the love of money, I have found this verse to be quite true in my experience with limerence.
I tried my best to serve God by praying for help to trust Him and let go of MSB. In short order, however, I found myself still stuck in the cycle of addiction, allowing MSB to remain on the throne of my heart. My core identity was still in loving him rather than in my Savior, because how I could ever move on was unknown to me. I couldn’t bring myself to feel content or stop trying to take control and just wait for God to reveal what He wanted to do next.
Where Do I Go From Here?
If you find yourself facing the unknown of who you are without that “special someone”, take a mental step back. Think about who you were before he or she came into your life. What hobbies did you enjoy? What kinds of things impassioned you or motivated you into action?
Some of us have had limerent tendencies from a very early age (such as 6 years old for me). It is especially difficult in this case to answer the question of who we were before we loved that person. We can hardly begin to imagine who we would be without their existence in our lives. In this case, it takes deeper introspection, truly reaching into your soul, to discover or remember what you love most in life.
For me, it is music. Singing and songwriting gives my heart wings and my mind peace like nothing else. As early in my life as I loved MSB, I loved music even earlier, as long as I can remember. I have since realized that musical talent is a gift God gave me to use for His glory.
Probably, if you look inside your soul and discover that passion that goes beyond any affection for your limerence object, you will find a gift you can use for God’s glory. In this you will discover your true identity, your greatest purpose in life. Then facing the future will not feel so scary or impossible.
Seek God
Two aspects of God’s character taken together are of great encouragement as we venture into the unknown: His sovereignty and His goodness. God’s sovereignty means that He always has the final say in things. We saw this in the “Making Resolutions” post, considering Proverbs 16:9. But he is also good, and consequently His plans for us will always be good (Jeremiah 29:11).
Since the future is unknown to us, we cannot see the full picture of events in our lives. We do not know the ending to our life stories. Thankfully, God does, and He wants us to lean on Him and intentionally draw near to Him. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
It is the hardest thing in the world for limerence sufferers to do, but we must seek God, not our limerence objects, with all our hearts. Then we will see His beauty and pure love for us with such fullness we will never want to turn away again. He will give us confidence and peace despite not knowing what will happen next.
Crucified with Christ
This calls to my mind Galatians 2:20: “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” It is our responsibility as believers to “take up our crosses” and follow Jesus (Matthew 16:24-26). The cross we bear is accepting reality and letting go of our greatest hopes and dreams.
I wrote a song years ago that states, “Nothing short of murder can heal one-sided love.” The idea is that I had to allow a part of myself to die in order to be healed. It’s similar to amputation, I suppose, in that a part of the body that is infected beyond repair needs to be removed to save the rest of the body – and ultimately the person’s life. I needed to cut away or kill the part of my heart that held on to MSB to heal from my shattered dreams.
My deepest desires were crucified with Christ, and by Him I live. Without Him I would still be in a very dark place, if alive at all. Instead, He saw fit to reach into my life and pull me out of the darkness. I often went back into it, but He kept reminding me that His way is better and lifted me out little by little.
If you ask Him with a sincere heart, He will do the same for you. Exactly how is a question only He can answer, but you can trust that unknown to Him who knows everything.
Walk By Faith, Not By Sight
That verse in Galatians also mentions living “by faith”. We must “walk by faith and not by sight,” taking courage in the promise of hope and joy given by our omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent God. Paul’s declaration can be our own: “I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” This we know for certain, if nothing else.
Our limerence objects have not and never will, never could do such a wonderful thing for us. God’s grace, goodness and faithfulness to us assure us that He will not leave us alone in the darkness to figure things out on our own. Rather, He will provide faithful guidance as we put one foot in front of the other.
For those who trust and follow Him, He will shine His light into the new and unknown territory we encounter. This very moment, throughout this new year and always.
