Battling Person Addiction

In many individuals’ experiences of limerence, it can be described in just two words: person addiction. Like any severe addiction, limerence that has progressed to the point of person addiction completely consumes a person’s life.

I remember being 17 and 18, never having touched an illegal drug or alcoholic drink, but very much an addict. My life revolved around the boy I loved, who did not love me in return. Keeping up with schoolwork was a struggle while also dealing with the back-and-forth hope and hopelessness I felt. It reached the point of my normal academic performance dwindling from “A”s to “C”s or worse in certain classes.

At its peak, the addiction demanded to be addressed first, even before other important tasks. Often this entailed writing a song about him or planning for the next time I’d see him, then doing homework. Truthfully, in order to get through less exciting tasks in life, I imagined I was doing those things for him. Thinking of seeing him or hearing his voice made the mundane and drudging worth it all. Unfortunately, thinking that way ultimately made my addiction to him more difficult to stop.

Complicated Nature of Person Addiction

Addiction to a person is unique in that the object of the addiction is a living, breathing human being. Unlike addictive substances or activities, a person can interact with you, often in unpredictable ways. This unpredictability contributes to the process of establishing dependency upon that person for satisfaction or fulfillment. The greater the uncertainty of the person’s feelings, the stronger the emotional attachment and addiction are likely to become.

My own person addiction started with appreciation for his courtesy and quirkiness and admiration for the beauty of his eyes. It deepened as I began to depend on his personality traits and any signs of reciprocation for my greatest happiness. But from day to day, I couldn’t be sure of how he really felt about me. One day he would be as cordial as ever, saying hello to me in the hall, which was amazingly hope-giving. Then I would see him hugging another girl in my class, which was deeply heart-crushing.

So I felt, not quite like I was getting mixed messages, but like I needed to know whether or not there would ever be a chance for us to be together. The uncertainty about it made me more determined to do everything in my power to make him love me back. Naturally, my addiction to him was only growing all the while.

How to Break Out of the Cycle of Person Addiction

Once person addiction is established via the combination of initial attraction and prolonged uncertainty, it is extremely difficult to break free. It is possible to escape and never go back, though, with God’s help to see the truth in the situation. Here are three simple steps to take as you pursue freedom from this kind of addiction.

1. Recognize the addiction as idolatry.

Idolatry is a strong word that isn’t often used in the context of limerence. But when we prioritize feeding our person addiction over anything else – including our relationship with God – it is indeed idolatry. The very first commandment God gave the Israelites is, “You shall have no other gods before me.” (Exodus 20:3) This is amplified by Jesus Himself when He says the greatest commandment is to love God with everything we are. (Matthew 22:37-38)

The second greatest commandment is to love others, He goes on to say. Notice that He doesn’t tell us to love them the way we love God. Instead, we are to love others the way we love ourselves. (Matthew 22:39) For some there may be a fine line between the two, because pride builds up to thinking of themselves as their own masters. However, for us as believers there is a very big difference.

God’s glory, majesty and power are more awe-inspiring than any physical or personality feature of our limerence objects. Not only this but He is good and gracious, so His plans for us are for good as well. (Jeremiah 29:11) Therefore, our response to Him should be humility and willingness to do whatever He asks of us. If this means giving up pursuit of our limerence objects altogether, our attitude should be, “Yes, Lord. So be it, for your glory and for my joy in the end.”

It may be tempting to say, “Yes, I know God wants the best for me,” then continue to seek reciprocation as our first priority. But to do this is to fail to truly trust in that truth we just said we understand. We are choosing to follow our own hearts instead of the maker of the universe, who knows everything and loves us immeasurably. (Psalm 103:11) Recognizing this response as being rooted in idolatry can help us take a step back to see the situation through God’s eyes.

2. Realize what he/she is doing to your life (and care about it).

Chances are that if you’re reading this, you know the distress, suffering and destruction limerence can cause in someone’s life. When it is unchecked, person addiction takes a heavy toll – not just on the one who is addicted but also his or her family and friends.

Aside: I'm reminded of Kelly Clarkson’s “Addicted,” which was one of my favorite songs from her Breakaway album because my heart related to it so much. “It’s like you’re a leech, sucking the life from me. It’s like I can’t breathe without you inside of me. And I know I let you have all the power and I realize I’m never gonna quit you over time.” In other words, “I know this addiction is ruining my life, but without you I wouldn’t last a day.” No human should have that kind of power over us. It leads to a life of miserable dependence on a person who will never be able to fulfill our needs. Only Jesus is worthy of our total devotion.

This is because there comes a point of being so addicted that it feels more important to satisfy the growing need than to live life normally. We begin to become willing to sin in increasingly dangerous ways to be around or interact with our limerence objects. Once that point is reached we start not to care much about how other areas of life are suffering. Work, school, hobbies, other relationships all get pushed aside for the worse. And we may or may not realize it, but we can’t stop without some kind of intervention.

Before the person addiction gets any stronger, it is best to let God be the one to intervene. The deeper our attachment to those to whom we are addicted, the greater the pain of having to let go. He never wanted us to become dependent on anyone other than Him in the first place – He knows that is not good for us. In accordance with His great mercy, He will be gentle with us as far as possible to pry us from the shackles of addiction. (Psalm 111:4) His footsteps will lead us away carefully from further temptation and draw us wonderfully close to Him. (Psalm 23)

As He does this, soon healthy remorse will set in about any damage that has resulted from the addiction. Steps can then be taken to restore relationships and perform more consistently again in work or school. Best of all, He will teach you to depend on Him first and foremost, so that such person addiction never takes hold of your life again.

3. Redirect the obsession toward Jesus.

Growing up, there was a lot of love in my heart that felt either misdirected or not fully appreciated. My greatest desire was simply to be loved romantically in return by my best friend, but this desire was denied. Partially due to this, I think, I turned to obsession with teen pop music stars because it gave my passion a much-needed outlet.

While it is normal for teenage girls to “fangirl” over their favorite bands/singers, it wasn’t quite that simple for me. I needed to pour out my love and devotion somewhere, and I could do it safely in promoting my music artists of choice. But this wasn’t where my admiration and obsession really should have been directed. It should have been channeled into following Jesus, a safe landing place for otherwise misplaced affection.

For older teens and adults in limerence, misdirection of obsession looks different, but the general idea is the same. Some unmet need to be loved in return has led to person addiction, spiraling into dark new territory. Because it feels like that affection has nowhere safe to stay, addictive behaviors are reinforced and at the same time our ability to cope without it weakens.

Thankfully, Jesus pokes holes through the darkness of person addiction to let in the light of His grace and hope. In Him alone we find strength as we fight the urge to return to limerent patterns. His wisdom helps us understand what steps to take toward restoration and learn how to thrive under His grace. (2 Corinthians 12:9) In His faithfulness He never leaves us, no matter how many times we stray from walking closely with Him. (Hebrews 13:5)

Therefore, the most important step toward breaking free from person addiction for good is turning our obsession toward Jesus. Unlike what many of us have experienced with our limerence objects, we can never love Jesus so much that He will turn us away. He welcomes us like a loving father opens his arms to his youngest children. (Psalm 103:13) The closer we walk with Him, the less important everything (and everyone) else becomes. His glory shines as utterly unsurpassable, bringing us to our knees in adoration and gratitude, and even healthy obsession.

As Jesus declares in John 8:12, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” In that light of life there is no room for person addiction or any other addiction this world knows. Our hearts will be filled only with admiration for our God and what He has done for us. (Psalm 126:3)