We have entered the season of Advent, a celebration of the first coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is a time to reflect on the good things God has done in our lives so far. It is also a time to look forward to the future. For those struggling with limerence, finding comfort in the future is likely rather difficult. But comfort can always be found in God’s love and grace. It is simply a matter of accepting His grace as enough.
Definition of Grace
Grace is defined as “unmerited favor.” Showing grace toward others means doing something over-the-top and kind for them even though they did nothing to deserve it. In the moment of the “glimmer” with my former limerence object, I mistook his politeness for something like grace. His common courtesy came across to me like fresh air from the forest in a smoggy city like Bakersfield, California.
It was unmerited, completely unexpected, and it changed my life forever, pulling me into an obsession greater than ever before. However, he is only a creation of our Creator, who offered true, amazing grace to all of us. He captivated me to little end with his words, quirky personality, and his beautiful blue eyes. But God is the only one who is worthy of all-consuming obsession with His Word, character, and beauty. Especially His steadfast love and surpassing grace. (Psalm 136:1, 2 Corinthians 9:14)
Our Need for Love and Grace
Every one of us needs both love and grace. Limerence makes this abundantly clear, bringing to the forefront the need for requited love and gracious, compassionate understanding. We become highly sensitive to the slightest move or the most ordinary remark, clinging to any hope of reciprocation.
This is a dysfunctional version of what God intended for us in relationships with other people. Let’s take a brief look at God’s design at the beginning.
Created for Relationship
From the very beginning, God created us for relationship. In Genesis 2:18, God was looking at His creation and considering what could be better. He looked at Adam and thought, “It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him.” Eve was created to be his companion and his wife from then on.
If only we had such straightforward marriage arrangements today! I knew when I saw the love of my life he was the one I wanted forever. But what if God had told me at that moment, “He is not the one I have for you”? So much distress and heartbreak might have been spared from my heart. Adam was a pretty blessed guy in this way, I have to say. Still, for how today God is using the pain I endured so long ago, I will always be thankful.
Not everyone chooses to pursue a marriage relationship, although as one who experienced limerence I personally don’t understand why. Getting married was my #1 life goal when I was a little kid. Certainly, I had career aspirations and hobbies I enjoyed. But from my 6-year-old perspective, my life could be considered complete the day I got married.
The only exception would be a situation similar to that of the apostle Paul, described in 1 Corinthians 7. That is, where God’s calling precludes marriage and encourages singleness because otherwise loyalties are divided. We can talk more about this in a future article.
Desire for Companionship
Indeed, God showed grace toward Adam in creating Eve just for him, because he probably was starting to feel lonely. The same desire – and not only a desire but also a distinct need – for companionship exists in each of us today.
Unfortunately, for some of us, in various areas of our lives, our needs for love, grace and acceptance weren’t (or aren’t) met. This has resulted in a higher likelihood that we would experience limerence. So here we are today, often simultaneously sensitive and numb, fearful and confident, determined and undecided. Thankfully, because of His grace, God brings peace amid the conflict and chaos in our lives. (Philippians 4:7)
While we don’t have the luxury of such a clear matchmaking as Adam did, God does make His will clear. It may be that He is trying to tell you through multiple rejections from your limerence object. If He has made it so clear, surrender to His good and perfect will, accepting that His grace is enough. (Romans 12:2)
Everyone Makes Mistakes
Just as every human is created for relationship, we all need grace because everyone makes mistakes. In fact, human mistakes ruined the perfect life we could have known if we had simply trusted and obeyed God.
Sins Against God
The heart of the gospel message is this: We made the mistake of choosing our own way over God’s. In so doing, we have fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) But God, out of His abundant grace and love, made a way for us to enjoy the glory of God’s presence once again. He bore the immense weight of our sins against Him, so we could have restored relationship with the Father. (Romans 5:8) What amazing grace this is, indeed!
Interpersonal Failings
Of course, not only do we make mistakes that reflect our disobedience to God. We need grace from others too because of our sins or failings against them. In limerence, this may involve expecting one’s limerence object to return one’s affection. This is a sin against the person being pursued because it would take away free will if that were possible.
We try to bend his/her will to our needs because in our minds our needs cannot be met otherwise. It strikes me as ironic because we feel like we bend so much to their wills to try to make them love us. Free will is a God-given right, though, so we would be wise not to attempt to tamper with it.
Kicking Yourself
Then there are the more minor mistakes like not saying exactly what you were trying to say. Or maybe something embarrassing happened to you and your limerence object was right there to see it. Whatever the case, it feels necessary to redeem yourself the next time you see or talk to him or her again.
Give yourself grace too. It may feel like everything you do ends up making things worse and you feel like giving up. Probably, you are right about some of those things, but NOT everything! Keep fighting the good fight of faith. Not to win your limerence object’s heart, if it is clear that will not happen. Fight to keep following Jesus and His peace, while He strengthens you by His grace. (1 Timothy 6:12)
Renewing God’s Grace Toward Us
The gospel of grace should never get old to us. First and foremost, it encourages us that we have been saved from God’s wrath because it was placed on Jesus. None of our sins against Him or others will be held against us on the day of judgment. Romans 12:2 urges us, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.”
Let us not say, “I know Jesus did this for me, but I still need this too.” The gospel is not Jesus PLUS requited love or affection from our limerence objects. It is Jesus Christ alone who has saved us. He is mighty and faithful to carry us through the challenges we face every day. (Zephaniah 3:17)
Through the intense battle to put limerence in the past, to finally let go, His grace spurs in us perseverance. (Romans 5:3-5) At night when the tears fall as we try to get to sleep, His grace is there to dry our tears. In dreams where we seek relief only to be haunted by memories or fantasies, His grace speaks truth to us. (John 1:14)
His grace is enough to give us strength and hope. For by the very definition of the word “gospel,” it is good news! When is it ever a bad time to receive good news? The good news of grace can always brighten the dark and dreadful days we face. (Luke 2:10)
Blessings of Accepting Grace
To recap, here is a list of some of the many blessings we receive by accepting grace.
Salvation
Ephesians 2:8 says, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” God’s grace has saved us from the punishment for our sins and given us eternal life with Him. As we follow Him it also saves us from despair and overwhelming shame, giving us peace, hope and joy instead.
Justification
Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, we are justified and redeemed! The price for all our sins and mistakes which have made us guilty as lawbreakers has been paid in full. We are white as snow, washed in the blood of the holy Lamb of God. Romans 3:24 – “And are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”
Confidence
Guilt and shame produce a great deal of fear. Fear of punishment, of making more mistakes in the future, or of rejection because we feel like unworthy failures. It is true that left to our own devices, we are unworthy. Nevertheless, grace allows us to enter God’s presence without fear, because His “perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18)
Call to mind Hebrews 4:16 to renew your confidence as a follower of Jesus. “Let us then draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
Sufficiency
In limerence we feel an obsessive need to have our feelings reciprocated. In spite of this, we must remember our needs are always met by God. Whatever we feel like we need which we are not receiving from Him, we do not actually need it.
He understands that it hurts more than anything to give up what you want most. In answer He tells you, “I am enough. My grace is enough to give you strength and peace. Find what you need in Me.” The key verse for this final point, of course, is 2 Corinthians 12:9. “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’”
