Nothing motivates a person to become willing to be vulnerable quite like limerence. The thinking is, if a little vulnerability results in finally having someone love you back, how could it not be worth trying? If not, at least you gave it your best effort. Plus, from a state of limerent desperation there was little or nothing to lose either way.
Actually, though, it behooves us to be careful with our hearts. Limerence or not, we must do our best to protect them from anything that would threaten our regard for life. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart, for from it flow the wellsprings of life.” When our hearts are crushed by troubling circumstances, we struggle to live the wonderfully abundant life God intended for us. We need to shield them in accordance with the wisdom He imparts to us.
Guarding Your Heart by Holding Back
As my limerence grew, I followed advice I heard from various songs and TV shows. They encouraged me to be less shy and make my heart known, because sometimes a little persistence goes a long way. By being bold, I concluded, perhaps I would find that my feelings were returned. Then at long last I would have my happy ever after.
Well, the good thing is I gained a lot of practice with perseverance and courage. However, of course, I did not find that my feelings were returned. Thus, some of the times I shared my true feelings for my unrightful thought and heart captivator (UTHC) were times I was not properly guarding my heart. I had felt compelled to tell him I loved him as if my whole life depended on it. But it ultimately exposed me to even greater brokenness.
(Note: Here I am introducing a new initialism UTHC for ‘unrightful thought and heart captivator’ in place of the popular LO for ‘limerence object’. This term will be used in new posts and applied retroactively to previous articles.)
Confide in a Friend
In such cases of feeling compelled to speak the depths of one’s heart, it is wise to hold back in the presence of one’s UTHC. The emotions do need an outlet of some kind, so be open enough to confide in a trusted friend. Go to the Lord first, for He is a better friend to you than anyone else could be! (John 15:14-15)
You can also create art inspired by your emotions and/or channel them into a hobby of your choosing. Whatever you do, make sure they are released somehow, but avoid doing so where it might cause awkwardness or undue stress in your UTHC’s life. God will give you strength and wisdom to share your thoughts and feelings in appropriate measure. (James 1:5, Isaiah 41:10)
By reserving the depths of your being for the Lord and other trusted friends, you are guarding your heart. You are shielding yourself (and others) from unnecessary uncomfortable encounters and from thereafter deeply regretting them. Further, you are limiting the ways Satan can use the weakness imposed by limerence, while also allowing God to perfect His power in you through that weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) I believe Satan cannot hear unspoken thoughts, so whatever stays in your heart is protected from him. Only you and God would know those secrets.
Shame Fades in Redemption
Also, the devil enjoys using post-mistake shame to push us into depression. But God’s word reminds us that we are forgiven when we repent. (Luke 24:47, 1 John 1:9) This in turn fortifies our hearts and minds against feeling unlovable or unredeemable. Thankfully, the opposite is true of God’s attitude toward us.
Though we are unable to redeem ourselves, God loved us so much that He made our redemption possible! He saves us by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone. (Ephesians 2:8-9) Therefore, when shame sets in over yet another mistake, we must arm ourselves with the shield of faith. It will protect our hearts from the enemy’s fiery arrows. (Ephesians 6:16)
Whole-Life Wisdom Fixing Eyes on Jesus
Finally, in practicing carefulness with your heart by keeping the intensity of your feelings to yourself, you are increasing in wisdom and discernment for other important areas in your life. Making a habit of taking our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ protects our lives from unthinkable destruction. (2 Corinthians 10:5) Instead, we get to enjoy the blessing of His favor as we live in a way that pleases Him. (Psalm 19:14)
As Proverbs 9:10 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Fixing our gaze on Christ as our ultimate goal will reduce the felt need to share too much. He is our glorious prize to whom no one else is comparable, and everything we do should be out of thankfulness to Him. (Hebrews 12:1-2) As we grow closer to Him the Holy Spirit gives us wisdom to understand what is and what is not in accordance with the will of God. (1 Corinthians 2:12-13)
How to Be Hopeful without Expecting Too Much
I found in limerence that there was a fine line between being hopeful and expecting too much. Perhaps, this is because accepting anything short of living my fantasies of being with him felt like settling. Fantasies represent the ideal or perfection, but no real relationship between two humans is perfect. Hence my unrelenting will to live my fantasy showed that I was expecting too much.
Heartbreak After High Expectations
Unfortunately, every time I realized my expectations would not be met, it was a heavy blow to my heart. It resulted in a thick layer of stone around my true self as a protective mechanism. The protective layer is not a terrible thing by itself, of course. But it was at the expense of my ability to trust anyone not to hurt me if I wasn’t very careful not to let them.
For about a year my life was a bit of a blur because I blocked painful memories, unable to endure additional heartbreak. Sadly, with them some of the happier memories were temporarily forgotten as well. There needs to be a balance between imagined possibilities and reality. Otherwise, we will not be able to guard our hearts in a way that honors God and loves others.
True Hope in Scripture
To achieve this balance requires clinging to the true hope found in scripture. Pick a promise from God, any promise, and you can be certain that it will be fulfilled if it has not already. Truly, it may not be His perfect timing to fulfill it in your life today. Nevertheless you can know without a doubt that one day it will be done. Hebrews 10:23: “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” The possibilities are endless knowing what God can do, and very probably the reality is that He will do it in a way that is beyond what we can imagine. (Ephesians 3:20-21) Let your heart be lifted by this truth.
Patience and waiting are also required. Many of us are not naturally patient people, especially when it comes to being denied the one thing we desire most. But waiting on the Lord leads to strengthened faith, exceeding joy and rightful humility when we see Him work. (Isaiah 40:31) Ask Him to guard your heart from temptation to take control of your own life to make things happen faster. Rushing toward romantic reciprocation will likely result in disappointment or less than the best God has for you. Remember that you can expect great things from Him – it just may take a little longer than you’d like before you experience them. (Psalm 98:1)
God Is Our Refuge
When we feel anxious or fearful, uncertain or helpless, God is our refuge. (Psalm 46:1) He lifts our heads so we can look to Him for help and find supernatural strength and unexplainable peace. At times it may seem like everything we do only results in more damage to an already broken heart. But running to Him, asking Him to protect our hearts with His love, will bring us security and rest.
He is on our side, even when everything else seems to be falling apart. In fact, His compassion for us in such difficult times is all the more evident as we draw near to Him. (Isaiah 30:18) So take heart in His goodness, power and omniscience. Embrace His grace! And enjoy the strength He builds in you while safeguarding you from further unnecessary brokenness.
Here are some encouraging verses about God’s faithfulness in guarding your heart. Memorize one or more of these so the Spirit can remind you of them in moments of need.
Psalm 91:4 – “He will cover you with His feathers; you will take refuge under His wings. His faithfulness will be a protective shield.”
Psalm 84:11-12 – “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!”
Psalm 86:12-13 – “I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever. For great is your steadfast love toward me; you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.”
Nahum 1:7 – “The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him.”
Psalm 32:7 – “You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble. You surround me with shouts of deliverance.”
