Sometimes in limerence a person begins to imagine that he or she might feel better simply having someone, anyone, as a romantic partner. Who it is or how it happens is of little consequence as long as there is genuinely returned romantic interest. The limerent individual knows it would be less fulfilling than being in a relationship with his or her limerence object. Nevertheless, trying to make anyone ‘the one’ seems like a good idea as a last-ditch effort to be happy.
‘The One’ Is Often Elusive
Frustratingly for many, ‘the one’ for any particular person tends to be elusive. Literally billions of people live on the earth today and approximately 2 billion of them are single. Theoretically, then, the options for limerence object replacements are plentiful. However, reasonable accessibility and attractiveness apply only to a fraction of these. That is, geographical location and compatibility of physical attributes and character traits typically narrow down the choices vastly.
How then can a hopeful romantic be paired with the one who was made specially for him or her? If the person is able to make it work with anyone of his or her choosing, it becomes much easier. At least, one might think so.
One problem with this thinking is that not just anyone can be the one God intended for a person. It is necessary to surrender to His selection and His timing to enjoy the best He has for us. Also, while most of us will go on to be happily married someday, one must consider the possibility that His plan may be for some to remain single. Singleness and marriage both have their own benefits and challenges. Listen to the Holy Spirit for how He is calling you to live and be patient if it does not align with your current desires.
More on that will be shared in a separate article. For now, I’ll write a little bit more about my personal experience with trying to make anyone the one. I will always be thankful for how God guided and sustained me through it.
Deepening Hole in the Heart
Following confirmed rejection by my primary limerence object, the emptiness I felt grew deeper by the day. I had been okay over the summer when I was away from him during the break from school. By October, though, with the next academic year in full swing, I was on the verge of a relapse. My heart was about to break all over again, and I needed something or someone to save me from that. That’s when I turned to a replacement significant other to bring smiles to my heart once again.
The boy who became the replacement and I were acquainted with each other somewhat by accident. I thank God for orchestrating our meeting and for using him to prevent the aforementioned relapse. Over the next few months, our friendship grew quickly and I began to see him as a potential boyfriend. My pursuit of true love shifted to him, though I still felt inextricably attached to My Sweet Beloved. Sadly, too often I even told him so, leading to my divided heart being broken again as well. Because I could not love him only, he started a relationship with another girl.
Despair and depression were majorly present in my life for the second half of that year (2007). I could hardly even think wordlessly “oh, great” when I received the news that I had been accepted into my university of choice. The only viable course of action in my distress was to finally turn to God with a fully surrendered heart.
Until then I knew I needed to trust God, but I had not reached the desperate dependence necessary to let Him have full control. Only when I began to let go of my need to find ‘the one’ could I feel the return of true hope. (Romans 15:13) Only when I let God take the throne of my heart could I experience the restoration of joy in Him. (John 16:24)
Replacement After Replacement
Not being chosen by my friend, the first replacement for my limerence object, shattered me. The brokenness was second only to that caused by the rejection by my actual limerence object. I had worked so hard to make my friend the one for me and he chose someone else. Admittedly, it’s understandable because I had pushed him away emotionally, unable to let go of the one I loved. But it crushed me nonetheless to lose a chance to be in a romantic relationship with a boy who had become one of my best friends.
Aside For those who may be wondering, let me clarify what I mean when I say I “worked hard” to make him the one. My identity was defined most prominently by loving my best childhood friend, who never felt the same for me. That love was transferred to my limerence object, so my identity was then defined by my affection toward him. Above all else, I thought of myself as the one who fell in love with him.
It takes a great deal of emotional effort for a person to change his or her identity. That’s exactly what I was required to do in order to be happy in a relationship with someone other than the one I loved. But I had grown to love my friend and considered him worth the effort to make him the one instead. So I tried hard to let go of my limerence object and free my heart to be only for my friend. Perhaps predictably, I failed and ended up with a severely broken heart again, but the point is I tried.
In that crushed emotional state, I became desperate for someone to take his place, as he had taken MSB’s place. At work, on vacations, wherever I met a new guy who seemed to have the slightest potential, I dove toward opportunity. And when I was met with reluctance, resistance and rejection each time, I felt emptier than ever.
Blue Hearts Find Joy in the Lord
I wrote that “When you put your heart out there, you better be aware of what is sure to come. Because blue hearts fall apart when they cannot find the one.” Each replacement was less ‘the one’ for me than the previous, and each rejection left me feeling more alone. I needed a breakthrough of lasting joy like never before, and no one except my gracious Lord could provide that for me.
Isaiah 51:11 tells of the lasting joy He brings to those who return to Him. “The redeemed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing. Everlasting joy shall be upon their heads. They shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.” This includes us when we start to turn away from limerence. So much sorrow and sighing replaced with gladness and joy – praise the Lord for His grace toward us!
Jesus Is the One Who Makes Whole
Again, thank God the story doesn’t end in despair like I experienced in the year 2007. Still within that same academic year but in 2008, I sang about my story having “not much of an ending.” The truth is that His work in my heart through my experience with limerence had barely even started.
My need for His help was too great for me to try to take matters into my own hands anymore. I could not go on living that way or probably I would have died of a broken heart, forever mourning the loss of hope of being with ‘the one’ for me. He listened to my prayers for strength and healing and granted my request day after day. He used my dark loneliness and deep suffering to lead me from bereaved and broken to joyful and jubilant.
In allowing my limerence object to be everything to me, I had brought misery and slavery upon my own heart. Still, out of His great mercy God helped me trust in His promise that He works all things together for good. (Romans 8:28) Each day He stayed close to carry me through the pain of letting go until it didn’t hurt so much anymore. He lifted my spirit and blessed me with abundant life and freedom. (John 10:10) There is no one else who can do that – all else fails but He heals and makes whole, forever. Psalm 147:3 very succinctly and truthfully declares: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Perhaps this next saying is trite, but I enjoy trite sayings so bear with me as I say it anyway. It occurs to me that the word ‘whole’ could be short for ‘what hole?’ When God heals us, this is what He does. He makes it like there was never a hole in our hearts in the first place! Truly, He is the only One who can save us from the misery of not being with and/or not being able to find ‘the one.’ Only He should captivate us and evoke our utmost admiration and adoration, because there is no one like Him. HE IS THE ONE who deserves our all. (Psalm 96)
