I hope everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving had a happy one this year. At my house we had 12 family members over for dinner and some also stayed to watch the American football game. Personally, I am a fan of soccer instead, AKA football in the rest of the world. Still, I’m glad they enjoyed the non-spherical football game.
Those in the midst of limerence, though, especially suffering the aftermath of rejection, understandably may not feel very thankful or happy. Some, in fact, may feel quite depressed, living their darkest moments. This article takes a look at depression in limerence and how biblical truth can encourage us as God leads us out of it.
Depression in Limerence
From what I have read in online limerence forums and support groups, the level of depression in limerence varies. There is always overwhelming sadness and distress, not knowing what to do after rejection takes place. But not everyone feels so broken afterward that they lose the will to live.
I think the difference has a lot to do with the kinds of trauma each person has experienced prior to limerence. Later in this section (“Complex Trauma”) I’ll explain this a bit more, but I can only really speak for myself. The rejection that triggered my depression made me feel like I had no reason to live. Following are several of the reasons for my depression in limerence.
Loss of Hope
When I remember what it was like to receive the note of rejection, many different images come to mind. I had the “wind knocked out of my sails,” so to speak. I descended rapidly into the deepest pit of misery I have ever known. Flying high one moment, I found myself crashing and burning the next. Bright happiness was suddenly pitch-black darkness. In other words, my hope of my greatest dreams coming true was very much lost.
But there was a very little light left, a remnant of faith built upon my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14) It’s very much like the spark about which Hayley Williams from Paramore sings in “Last Hope.” “The blood in these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has. And that’s the hope I have, the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive…. It’s just a spark, but it’s enough to keep me going.”
If there’s any such spark in you, draw near to God to let Him fan it into a new flame. If the light has been completely snuffed out in your heart, run to the light you see in Jesus. With time He will kindle it once again if you surrender control to His loving hands. (John 8:12)
Reality Hit Hard
Prior to reading the note, it had been nearly three months since I thought he told me he loved me. Yet nothing had happened to advance our relationship from friendship to romance in that time. Hence I suspected he may not have been as interested in me as I was in him. Despite this, it was completely unexpected to read the words that confirmed my greatest fear was true.
He had not said “I love you,” only “thank you” for the candygram I sent him through the school office. And the note didn’t explicitly say this, but it made me realize that he never would love me in return. It was all I could do to keep my tears from falling throughout the remainder of the school day.
Of course, actually, it was not what I could do, because I would have broken down and perhaps never recovered. God was the one giving me strength to make it through the day, until I could get home and let my tears fall freely. It was the beginning of the long process of the truth setting me free. (John 8:32)
Alone and Desperate
I tried my best to hide my feelings because I didn’t want anyone to know I was suffering so acutely. Who of my friends, family or teachers could truly understand the pain I felt? I doubted anyone could, not to mention I was protective of my heart knowing some people exploit others’ weaknesses. I didn’t want to trust anyone other than God to help me through it. Consequently, I isolated myself whenever I felt overwhelmed and in so doing I began to feel distinctly alone.
While I generally enjoy being by myself, the loneliness of being without a significant other was too much for me. Desperation set in, compelling me to replace my limerence object with someone else. I was moderately successful in making a close friend/almost boyfriend of mine “the one,” after months of vacillating between him and my limerence object. Sadly, it was too late when I had finally succeeded – he had chosen to be with another girl. That was the turning point after which my depression grew deeper than ever.
God Started Something New
It was an extremely dark time in my life, leading up to and during what I call my “December of depression.” When the new year started, though, I felt God starting something new in me also. He was reshaping my life into one that could one day shine brighter than ever, creating beauty from ashes. (Isaiah 61:3)
Even today He is still healing me and molding me into a more faithful, trusting and diligent servant of His. He has brought me a long way from those unbearable moments, though the effects of the grief never fully diminish. At least they won’t until He brings Heaven to earth on some glorious day in the future. (Revelation 21:4) Indeed, it is a journey, but He is faithful to complete the work He has started in each of us. (Philippians 1:6)
Complex Trauma
A major causal factor of my depression was my experience with complex trauma. According to a Trauma Healing Institute workshop I attended, there are three main categories of trauma. These are acute trauma, chronic trauma and complex trauma.
Acute trauma is caused by an isolated traumatic event. Chronic trauma is due to multiple instances of the same or similar kind of trauma, experienced in repeated occurrences over a long period of time. A combination of acute and/or chronic traumatic events, usually beginning in early childhood, sometimes leads to complex trauma. Typically, it is much more difficult to recover from complex trauma.
Having experienced both acute trauma (my parents’ divorce) and chronic trauma (sibling abuse), rejection during limerence was the last straw. It concentrated every hurt in my life onto my heart all at once, turning my vague sense of discontentedness into utter despair.
In my distress, God was my refuge and strength and the great healer I needed (Psalm 46:1). He heard my cries for help and relief and carried me through those difficult days with tender mercy. (Psalm 116:1) His faithfulness knows no bounds! He can be an ever-present help for you nonetheless than He was and continues to be for me.
Warning Signs of Depression in Limerence
It is vitally important to detect depression when it starts so you can turn to God intentionally in troubled times. There are more comprehensive lists than the one below – including those at SAMHSA, 988 Lifeline and other mental health service organizations. However, this list is authored by a limerence survivor who experienced almost all these things.
Note: This list is intended primarily for self-diagnosis rather than recognizing signs of depression in others.
Sleep Pattern Changes
Changes in sleep patterns such as suddenly sleeping more or less than usual is commonly associated with depression. Frequently waking up in the middle of the night or sleeping during the day may also be of concern.
Often I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep because I was too emotionally charged. On multiple such occasions, I ended up writing songs to release some of the emotion. Sometimes there was enough emotional overflow for a new song to be inspired as soon as one was written.
On the other hand, I also turned to sleep as an escape from reality. It was too difficult to live with the constant pain and tears. Lack of consciousness during sleep sometimes seemed to be my only relief.
Changes in Eating Habits
Emotional eating habits, such as overeating or eating less than usual, may be indicative of depression. This is not limited to a single incident (such as enjoying a feast on Thanksgiving Day). It usually starts with one and intensifies with each repeat incident. Weight changes may be noticeable if the problem has developed enough.
I tend to lose my appetite when I’m upset, so as I recall, generally I ate less. However, I wasn’t really paying attention to my weight (because I had bigger concerns). A comment by one of my classmates revealed that over the summer I probably either ate too much or didn’t exercise enough. Either way, the point is that any abnormal changes in level of desire to eat may be linked to depression.
Self-Harm
Intentionally causing physical injury to oneself is known as self-harm. It takes many forms which I will not list here. A person who self-harms is so troubled emotionally that he or she feels a need to bring that pain to the surface. By inflicting pain on the outside, he or she is able to release some of the pain inside.
During my most intense limerence episodes, I never intentionally injured myself, unless injury to my hair counts. (I cut my own bangs which wasn’t necessarily the wisest decision.) However, I did self-harm in the years before those episodes. Specifically, I used a needle to poke the tip of my left ring finger. My best girl friend, always observant and curious, noticed the wound and asked me what happened, but I didn’t answer. Honestly, I’m not sure what I would have said if she had asked me why I did it.
Regardless, her question, paired with the fact that it hurt to play my flute in band class, caused me to stop. More importantly, I was being educated about more serious forms of self-harming and did not want to pursue those methods of “pain relief.” Further, I recognized from school Bible teachings that God was the only one who could really take away my pain. The prick in my finger was small, but the hole in my heart was massive. His healing power alone was sufficient to restore my broken life to wholeness. (Psalm 147:3)
Negative Thoughts
Often a person with depression is plagued by negative thoughts that exaggerate the reality of the situation. “I will be alone forever.” “No one will ever love me the way I love him/her.” “Things will never get better for me.” These thoughts are extremely damaging to one’s self-image and must be refuted quickly with truth from God’s Word.
Affirmations of Truth
“I am never alone because God is always with me.” (Joshua 1:9)
“I am loved more deeply by God than I will ever know.” (Ephesians 3:19)
“This suffering will not last forever. It is worth experiencing this for the glory and joy that is set before me.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18) Affirmations like these can be lifesaving.
Consequences of Unchecked Depression
If depression lingers for too long, several dire consequences are likely to result. The following list covers only some of them.
Unrealized Potential
Depression distracts a person from God’s calling for him or her. One is consumed by the devastation of his or her circumstances rather than living the free life God makes possible. Since all energy is directed toward simply surviving, responsibilities at work, school or elsewhere are not as well attended. New personal projects and tasks are not pursued because there is no capacity to take on new things. God created us to be a blessing to each other and help each other realize their potential. Depression delays or completely derails this design.
Repressed Memories
Numbness may accompany severe depression, triggering the involuntary defense mechanism of repressing memories. Any memories made within the timeframe of the traumatic event(s) or otherwise associated with the event are likely to be affected. Until the healing process is well underway, these memories, whether good or not so good, are not consciously accessible.
Darkened Perspective
Life feels joyless and miserable in the midst of depression. It seems like there is no “light at the end of the tunnel.” The heavy weight on our hearts offers little motivation to keep going. This tends to cultivate a darkened perspective on life that is unmoved by others’ concerns.
Suicidal Thoughts
Eventually, that darkened perspective may lead to suicidal thoughts. Because it seems like there is no end to the suffering, one may begin to think about ending it themselves. This is the most severe, most serious consequence of depression, which tragically has taken many lives.
Counteracting Depression
It is very difficult to ascend out of depression once the point of losing one’s will to live has been reached. However, all things are possible with God (Matthew 19:26, Luke 1:37). Following is a series of outlooks that encourage those experiencing depression to believe there is a way out.
Look Forward in Hope
Any time spent in depression, whether mild or severe, feels like it lasts much longer than it ought to last. But God does not leave us to suffer forever. Every day He is with us, strengthening and carrying us through the storm, piercing the darkness with His light. As written in Psalm 34:19, “Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”
Look Up in Trust
In the midst of depression, everything around seems chaotic and confusing. Pain is often at the forefront and makes daily routine tasks unbearable chores. But we know that suffering in the Christian life is always used by God for a purpose, for our good. (Romans 8:28) Rather than focusing on the pain, gaze upon Jesus! He is your unsurpassable prize and the one who builds and perfects your faith. (Hebrews 12:2)
Look Out for Traps
1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” Especially in times of trouble, Satan attacks us and tries to feed us lies. He may sound very convincing, but we must remain vigilant, armed with God’s truth.
The Full Armor of God by Larry Richards and The Whole Armor of God by Iain Duguid are among many resources based on the Book of Ephesians. Ephesians details the pieces of spiritual armor we need to put on daily to fight against the devil’s attacks.
Look Inward
Finally, look inward to your own heart. What kinds of things did you enjoy before depression diminished your ability to smile? Who were you before limerence changed everything? Allow yourself to enjoy these things again. Maybe they seem pointless now, but they are a part of who God created you to be. He can use them to lift you up a little bit at a time.
Also keep in mind that He makes all things new, and your identity is foremostly in Him. Whatever comes in life, even if it makes you question who you are, you are secure in His perfect plans. (Revelation 21:5, Galatians 2:20, Jeremiah 29:11) When you call on His name for help, He will save you. (Romans 10:13) From the highest height to the deepest valley, He will rescue you, for He is good, and His love endures forever. (Psalm 136:1)
