What Could Be Better Than My Fantasy?

Fantasy and real life are often and easily blurred while in limerence. Personally, I daydreamed, lost focus on the tasks at hand and even experienced powerful hallucinations once or twice. Dreams at night sometimes led to tears as I woke to much less happy circumstances than those in my dreams.

Better than the Fantasy

The central cry of my heart was, “What could be better than my fantasy?” The answer to this is found in several verses in the Bible, notably in the psalms of David. “Your steadfast love is better than life,” as David writes in Psalm 63:3. Then in Psalm 84:10, he declares, “One day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.”

When I was pursuing my limerence object, there is nowhere I would rather have been than wherever he was. But being with him could never have held a candle to the light of God’s glory and goodness. The boy’s wonderfulness in my eyes was only a small taste of God’s awesomeness and magnificence.

Knowing how amazing limerent fantasies can be, it is indeed hard to imagine how anything could be better than realizing those fantasies. This post addresses some of the questions limerence experiencers may have related to fantasizing, pretending and facing reality. God wants to answer each question with encouraging truth from His word. The author has tried to identify scripture that may offer a modest beginning to the answers He wants to provide.

Losing myself in the fantasy helps me cope. I know this is unhealthy, but what else can I do?

It is always tempting to find an easy escape from suffering. In limerence this may look like coping by fantasizing about being with the object of your affection. As you know already, this is not a healthy way to live. However, if you have grown up practicing unhealthy coping habits such as this, it is understandable that you would turn to fantasy instead of facing reality.

We should bear in mind that using fantasy in this way actually strengthens the hold limerence has on us. This opposes John 8:32, which promises “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” A fantasy may well soothe the pain temporarily, but ultimately the reality of the situation will present itself again. Probably, then it will cut deeper than it did before. For by holding on to our unrealizable dreams, we allow limerence to deepen its roots.

Unfortunately, the only way to make your way out of a season of suffering is to muddle through it. Replaying a fantasy in our minds delays our progress through the roller coaster of limerence. Therefore, we must resist the temptation to lose ourselves in reverie that will never turn to real life. (James 4:7)

Instead, we can choose to run to Jesus with our hurting hearts and fix our eyes on Him with full consciousness of our circumstances. (Hebrews 12:1-2) This may mean stopping to pray every 10 seconds because that’s how often the next thought leads to tears. But facing reality is one of the first steps toward true healing.

Is it okay to pretend things are different than they really are in areas of my life, aside from limerence?

In principle, we should never pretend things are different from the way they really are. It may be in some cases that good can come from it in the form of increased capacity for perseverance. In other words, pretending we are doing something we like more than what we are actually doing can help us through a temporary displeasure more easily.

Perseverance, of course, is an important virtue. (Romans 5:3-5) Truthfully, though, pretending like this is a form of lying – lying to ourselves. Also, making a habit of this leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms in life-dominating experiences such as limerence. Rather than taking the truth in stride, we adopt a more tolerable version of reality or deny reality altogether. This is not how God calls us to respond to life situations and events.

When we pretend things are better than they are, our hearts are closed to the ways He wants to work in us. We need to learn to trust Him no matter how difficult or disappointing or desperate the situation may be. (Proverbs 3:5-6) He wants to work through the events He has allowed to take place in our lives. Not the happy-go-lucky or alternate reality version, but what has actually happened. (Romans 8:28) Plus, if we hide our true feelings from others, we may prevent God from ministering to us through them.

God calls us to bring to Him all our emotions and questions and place our hope in Him. When we do, He will comfort and assure us that He has everything under control. (1 Peter 5:7) He has promised that one day, life will not be so hard anymore, and He is making us new in the meantime. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Sometimes I have a happy dream and am crushed to wake up to real life. Why does reality have to hurt so much?

As if real life in limerence wasn’t hard enough, sometimes even our dreams remind us of what we can’t have. This is especially hard because we can’t control our subconscious thoughts. We can, however, control how we respond to these dreams.

First, we can acknowledge Jesus is here with us. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” He knows how much it hurts and wants to meet you with gentleness and comfort in your pain. Pray for His peace to calm your soul and His guidance to make the next steps clear and less burdensome. Remember this truth from Psalm 84:11: “No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

It may also be helpful to journal about your dreams. This allows fuller processing of the dream along with associated feelings so it’s easier to get it out of your mind. While journaling you can even write a prayer to Jesus, asking Him to help you see how marvelous He is. (Ephesians 1:18)

As He reveals His goodness to you more and more, He will take His rightful place as the king of your heart. Then your dreams probably will begin to feature your limerence object less and praise to Jesus more. Reality will not hurt so much anymore because God’s peace and mercy strengthen and encourage you. (Joshua 1:9)

In the meantime, you can remind yourself of Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” It will become easier as His power works in you and shapes you into the person He is calling you to be.