2022 Advent Week 2 – Love

Welcome to Week 2 of Advent! This week we will be focusing on the theme of Love.

My affection, my love, for my limerence object was influenced majorly both by my Christian upbringing and by popular culture. On one hand, I was taught at school and at church the example of someone who loved unconditionally, deeply, wholeheartedly – who would never leave me nor forsake me no matter what I did. This deepened my devotion and motivated me to strengthen the chains of my addiction, despite the lack of reciprocation.

On the other hand, I watched movies and TV shows filled with romantic relationships that eventually enjoyed their happily ever after. No argument or fight, no physical distance, no amount of time “moved on” could keep the happy couple apart because as the saying goes, true love conquers all.

Longing for a Happy Ending

I longed so much for my own happy ending, but it felt like it would never come. Knowing I would never love anyone else the way I loved my limerence object, I resigned myself to the possibility that I would be single forever. Or if not, I would be with someone I didn’t love with all my heart.

As it turns out, that is largely true. I will never love another human with the level of devotion and passion as I had for him. Not even my husband, who is wonderful in his own right and deserves to be loved without the baggage I have brought into our marriage.

But I know now that that’s not necessarily a bad thing. My love for my limerence object was putting him on a pedestal, as if he were a god rather than an equal. I wrote in a song that, “Without it I become complacent, and I hate it,” because he was taking God’s place in my heart. Without that passion my life felt relatively meaningless.

Because of this, it has been a challenge to learn how to love my husband in a normal, healthy, godly way, especially because his personality is so different from those I loved with my whole heart. I frequently have to remind myself to stay rooted in God’s truth and in my marriage covenant, which is the most important interpersonal relationship for any married person.

Perception of Perfection in Limerence

Though I was taught that no one is perfect, I thought of my limerence object as one of the most amazing creatures who ever lived. He told me he is “not that great” but I didn’t understand why he didn’t think as highly of himself as I did. Honestly, I think I admired him more for the humility he showed in those words. It still blows my mind to imagine that Heaven will be filled with far greater things than the sparkle of his beautiful blue eyes.

But in limerence our perception is grossly skewed. We see past the flaws that are obvious to everyone else and glorify the positive characteristics exceedingly out of proportion. Or, if we do acknowledge the flaws, we don’t allow them to become dealbreakers even if they should be. Our intense feelings for these imperfect human beings are misplaced because they will never be able to live up to our expectations of them.

Opposite to this, Ephesians 3:20 tells us that, “Our God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think.” While He will work out His own plans, which may not match our own plans or desires, He is able to meet our needs and satisfy our desires beyond our imagination. It’s amazing.

Perfect Love of Jesus

Another aspect to this is the fear and uncertainty we experience constantly in limerence. My greatest fear was that the love of my life would never feel the same way about me. I did everything I thought I could to make him love me, but every day I wasn’t sure of where I stood with him. I was motivated to be persistent so I could be certain.

This is one of the major differences between love and limerence. In limerence, fear of being unloved and incomplete perpetuates the obsession and deepens the feeling of insecurity. By contrast, love is a stable experience, that is ideally shared by both parties. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

No fear in love – the one who loves has a sense of security and completeness already, independent of whether or not the love is requited. Also, perfect love casts out fear – where fear is present, such as from our limerence and the past hurts that may be behind it, perfect love will make it disappear like light does to the darkness. That perfect kind of love is not possible for us to display on our own.

Through His sinless, selfless life, Jesus brought perfect love to us, love that is purer and truer than any “true love” experienced by humankind. That goes for both real couples and fictional characters, including those in fairy tales.

Jesus Wants Our Love in Return!

While writing about living hope for Advent Week 1, it occurred to me that the one thing I wanted most is the same thing Jesus wants most: requited love. Jesus’ love is unconditional, so although He wants us to love Him back, He loves us nonetheless even if we don’t.

And because He is perfect in every way, Jesus is worth every bit of our affection and much more. We may not have the love from the humans we desired with everything we had, but we have Jesus, who is love. It warms and knits together the broken pieces of my heart to think of the gift of salvation as a marriage proposal. Marriage is all I ever felt like I really needed, and it is to my greatest joy to have said yes to Jesus.

Prayer of Love

Speaking of joy, that’s our theme for Advent Week 3! Be on the lookout for the “joy” blog next week. In the meantime, share how you have experienced the perfect love of Jesus in the comments.

Dearest Jesus, thank you for your unconditional, perfect love and your desire for us simply to love you in return. Continue to increase our affection for you and cast out our fear as we grow in knowledge of how beautiful, glorious and perfect you are. We love you because you first loved us, and it is so wonderful to know that your love for us will never change. In your perfect and love-filled name we pray, amen.