During my limerence, my mind was filled constantly with sequences of events that never actually happened. Naturally, I fantasized of ways I could encourage my limerence object to finally fall in love with me. At night I often dreamed of this happening and sometimes I nearly cried when I woke up to reality. But thinking about the what-if scenarios was especially discouraging, causing regret, shame, guilt, and even despair to surface.
This looked like wracking my brain for any way I could have done things “better”. Anything I could have done or said differently to bring about the desired outcome of requited love. I was in a perpetual state of uncertainty, motivated by the next time I would see him. Then I would try to either redeem myself for the last failed attempt or build upon my perceived successes.
I prayed to the Lord so hard, thanking Him for every opportunity I had to see my love. Persistence and passionate confidence characterized my determined approach, and I knew God’s will would be done. I hoped He would grant my wish, although I never asked Him to make him fall in love with me.
Ultimately, nothing I tried “worked”, so there was plenty of reflection in favor of the saying “hindsight is 20/20.” One example is that I wrote and gave several notes to him, so I wondered, “What if I hadn’t written so many notes? What if I had held back more?” I had already tried to reduce the apparent intensity of my feelings for him, but maybe doing so more would have helped.
An unexpected reunion
That happened when we were in high school. I didn’t see him again until nearly 5 years after we graduated. At the time I was just starting what I thought was the final, forever phase of my relationship with my on-and-off boyfriend. When I encountered my limerence object by chance, those plans were thwarted.
I found myself wrapped up in the long-forgotten dream life I couldn’t have before. This time it seemed like we were on track to start a real romantic relationship. The three days I enjoyed with him were some of the happiest days of my life. Then, as he told me, “something terrible happened” and he couldn’t talk about it. After that there was no more progress in our relationship. Probably, neither of us intended for it to end that way, but it did.
Because of the open-endedness of that sequence of events, I often wonder how things would have turned out if I had reached out again later. I feel like I may have seemed to react insensitively to whatever “terrible thing” may have happened. If I had asked him how he was doing a few weeks later, might we have been able to resume where we had stopped?
God uses our actions to carry out His plans
It is all too easy to let what-if questions like this distract us from what God is doing in our lives. Even mistakes we make – whether merely perceived wrongs or blatant violations of the 10 Commandments – are used to carry out His plans. Certainly, we will be tempted to kick ourselves for missing opportunities to get what we want. The reality is that if God wants something to happen, we will not keep it from happening no matter how hard we try. (I’m reminded of Jonah, who ran away from telling the Ninevites about their impending judgment, then was turned back by God.)
It would have made me one of the happiest girls in the world to be in a relationship with my limerence object. However, I had already learned that he is the manifestation of the number one idol in my life. Probably, being with him would have placed me in a state of vacillation between serving God and pleasing him. God did the gracious thing by allowing me to experience the euphoria of the relationship for a time, then ending it before I was entrenched in limerence once again. In the process He kept me from starting again with my off-and-on boyfriend, who also was not the one He had planned for me.
God’s sanctification process
In businesses, much attention is given to continuous improvement. The idea is that even minor changes make operations easier, more efficient, more productive, more delightful to the end customer. While sources of variations and “flukes” will always exist, the majority of the products or services will be better with time. We as believers in Jesus can think of our lives along the same lines. No one is perfect, not even our limerence objects. However, we are continuously being sanctified, perfected by Him as we choose to trust and follow Him (Hebrews 12:2).
Sometimes following Him means giving up our deepest hopes and dreams, as in the case of limerence for someone who will never feel the same. But in return for our hearts’ desires He gives us Himself. Beyond that, He changes our hearts to desire only Him, the only one who will never leave us nor forsake us (Psalm 73:25-26, Hebrews 13:5). And the wonderful work He is doing will not stop until He’s done (Philippians 1:6).
Unconditional, unchanging love
The next time you find yourself lost in what-ifs about your limerence experience, cling to these truths. God loves you unconditionally (John 3:16). His plans for you are for your well-being and to bless you (Jeremiah 29:11). Every detail of your life – success or failure, suffering or flourishing – is weaved together for good. He uses those details to make us more like Him, and before we existed He set us apart to live for Him alone (Romans 8:28-29).
Unlike our hearts, His heart for us never changes (Hebrews 13:8). So we never have to wonder what we might do better to make Him love us more, or whether He loves us at all. We can live in full assurance that He loved us long before we had any concept of love and He will love us every day forever.
