Maybe this is merely an element of my experience with limerence, but I wrestled with complacency and nonchalance. What I mean by complacency is that whenever I was not pursuing my limerence object, life felt dull. Nothing and no one provided so much inspiration and excitement in my heart as he did.
As for nonchalance, this meant behaving with pretense around him, to hide the true intensity of my feelings for him. In addition, it was sort of a mask for others not to see how deeply I was struggling. Nonchalance gave the appearance that I was fine, though this was far from true.
Both complacency and nonchalance were unintended results of the intense longing and grief limerence caused. They occurred at alternating times, since one required trying not to love him anymore, while the other was an attempt to hold back in my active pursuit. Complacency resulted from feeling the most piqued emotions I ever have and trying to be okay with life after they normalized. Nonchalance, on the other hand, I adopted because I didn’t know what to do with my unrequited feelings other than pretend I didn’t feel so strongly. I failed to “cast my cares” on Jesus, who would have met me with a completely healing love. (1 Peter 5:7)
Complacency Challenges and Benefits
In the context of limerence, complacency is not a pleasant thing. Most cases of complacency occur in people who are happy with their lives and have little desire to work toward making things even better. In limerence, however, complacency feels like a burden. Things may be perfectly fine otherwise, but the lackluster nature of life after limerence is motivation to go back.
That happened for me many times. As a songwriter, my best songs came out of my limerence. Without the intensity associated with my desire to be loved in return, I felt much less inspired to write. I struggled to be satisfied despite the many blessings in my life. The mediocrity of normal life was unsettling and seemed to compel me to resume pursuit of the one I loved. Naturally, each time this happened, my limerence became stronger and more difficult to escape than the last.
There are some positive things about this kind of complacency, though. It is a return to the stabler existence of a non-limerent person. It is a step closer to being free from the emotional roller coaster that wreaks such havoc on our hearts. Galatians 5:1 says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” Yet choosing not to endure the complacency is rejecting the freedom we could have.
If you, like I did, are clinging to any last hope of being with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you – and you are suffering from bondage to limerence because of it – choose to be free! Rather, turn to Jesus and ask Him to free you, because it takes His strength to break the chains. It may not feel as exciting as the pursuit at first, but true freedom is far greater in the long term.
Nonchalance Challenges and Benefits
An inclination toward nonchalance plagued me as I suffered the aftermath of rejection. My most beloved didn’t feel the same for me and my friends didn’t understand why I couldn’t let go. I felt alienated and miserable overall, as if a storm cloud surrounded me and threatened never to go away. Nonchalance was my way of continuing to long for love in return while trying to keep it a secret.
It’s such a lonely and bitter way to live, though. Not only did I hang on to my limerence object for dear life, but in doing so I resigned myself to considering other love interests as second best. I knew God wanted the best for me from my memory of Romans 8:28, but my actions seemed to say otherwise. Subconsciously, perhaps, those actions indicated that I thought He was denying me the best thing I could imagine. It was very difficult to place full trust in Him with this incongruency in my heart.
Still, I can think of some benefits that came from nonchalance in limerence. First, it spared my limerence object from experiencing the full strength of my feelings toward him. He handled rather well the extent of my affection which reached him, I’m glad to say. But if I hadn’t held back, very likely it would have been too much and made things awkward between us. It’s a good thing I wrote so many notes and letters to him but only actually gave him some of them.
Also, it highlighted the emptiness of pursuit of my limerence object over Jesus and revealed some of the fullness of life in following Jesus. While I was caught in the vicious cycle between complacency and nonchalance, I hated waking up to reality. It was a hopeless effort that took me deeper into depression every day. But I realize now that sometimes God uses our most painful moments to show us how good He is. How to find joy in the midst of grief, because we know His plans for us are beyond the blessedness we can imagine. (Ephesians 3:20-21)
Contentment as the Middle Ground
Evidently, rest of the soul is rather elusive in both complacency and nonchalance in limerence. However, the Bible tells us how we can find contentment, which becomes a happy middle ground between the extremes.
To combat complacency and reach a place of not just contentment but pure joy, fix your eyes on Jesus! (Hebrews 12:2) There is nothing so exciting, wonderful, glorious, amazing, or praiseworthy as He is. (Psalm 63:3) When we think about how much better life in heaven, in His presence, will be than any blissful moment we might have enjoyed with our limerence objects, the seeming significance of everything else fades away. Any emptiness we may feel turns to fullness of joy. (John 15:11)
In the wistful yearning of nonchalance, remember God’s goodness to you in times past. (Psalm 77:11-12) Of course, His best gifts to any one of us are salvation from sin and eternal life in heaven. But you can probably think of a time in your life when He proved Himself faithful to sustain you. For me, limerence was the most difficult life experience, but He sustained me through a loss of will to live. He strengthened my faith, restored my hope and taught me to love life again. So He is trustworthy at all times. Believers can rest contentedly in the faith He builds in them as they experience His goodness even through troubled times.
Remember Paul’s declaration in Philippians 4:11-13. “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have the learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
Yes, Jesus is the one who strengthens us! When we rely on the Spirit to help us trust Him more, He makes a way from heartbrokenness to healing. He reveals more to us about how wonderful He is than we could ever truly learn without having suffered. This gives us all the more reason to draw near to Him, and He draws near to us as well! Contentment – and again, not merely contentment, but complete and lasting joy – is ours as we trust in His loving hands.
