Colors of Love: Black in Darkness

Black is a color that is most commonly associated with undesirable emotions and concepts. We think of the loss of a loved one, or maybe of gothic subculture – which is frequently comprised of troubled individuals. Or we might imagine being lost in an unlit cavern, not knowing where to start to find the way out.

The color black can also be associated with neutral or pleasant, even beautiful things. Black is a neutral hue that matches well with other colors in clothing or interior design. An example of a beautiful black thing is the night sky full of stars. It reminds us how small we are compared to the universe.

Additionally, when compared to white, black has a high contrast. This makes it easier to differentiate between and appreciate concepts that are, so to speak, like “black and white.”

In this post we will start with a brief discussion of black in grief and loss. Then we will consider the stark contrast between black and white, darkness and light, and finding the latter in Jesus.

Mourning the Loss

Rejection by my limerence object was the greatest loss I have ever felt. I had cried much and suffered significant emotional hurt before the day that happened. By far that day was the most difficult of my life. It was a day full of great potential, but suddenly, it was smeared with black.

I am reminded of the story in 2 Samuel 18:19-33, in which King David receives good news and bad news. The good news is God had delivered the king from his enemies. The bad news is one of those enemies was his own son, Absalom. When David heard Absalom was dead, he was overcome with grief, went immediately to his private chamber, and wept. He wished that he could have died in his son’s place.

On the day I realized my limerence object would never love me back, it was like someone I loved dearly had just died. Before I read his reply to my note, I was delighted to see the folded paper in my locker. I hoped with all my heart to find confirmation that he loved me.

His words made me realize that he never would, and I could hardly contain my tears. For the remainder of the day, I tried my best not to let anyone know how deeply wounded I was. My future, it seemed, had gone from bright to black.

Prior to that, I had not really understood why emo music or black clothing was so popular. I maintained a happy-go-lucky outlook, trying to find joy in the little things. But once my heart was shattered so completely, the lyrics of that emo music became relatable. I began to wear black shirts much more than white shirts, whereas the opposite had been true before.

Walking in Darkness

The contrast of darkness and light has always resonated very much with me. I knew the truth that Jesus is the Light of the World and that He would never leave me. (John 8:12) However, in my heart I felt surrounded by darkness. I often woke up in the blackest hours of the night, reeling with piqued emotions which needed to be released in songwriting.

Those emotions splashed my college ruled papers with figurative color as I wrote straight from my heart, often by night. By day I fought the battle between longing desperately to be loved in return and acknowledging that I was not worthy of such love. Only in dreamless sleep did I find relief from my unbearable reality.

As I wrote in one song that summer, “though I [tried] to find the light,” with respect to my love life, “I [lived] in the dark.” My heart closed itself in with an impenetrable black fortress, numbing itself to sensory input. It wasn’t until my daughter was stillborn in 2019 that the fortress began to be chipped away. That’s a story for another time.

Hiding from Everything

Living in that black cloud of darkness, I ran and hid from anything I thought might cause me pain. Unfortunately, this resulted in the loss of some happy experiences too. Isolation kept me from engaging fully in fun activities with friends and even from more happily celebrating my graduation. I was simply trying to protect myself from further heartbreak, for I could take no more.

I looked to the Lord in my distress, because I knew He was the only one who could really save me. (Psalm 121) However, I could not stay focused on Him to follow Him out of the cycle of misery. Most of the time, my limerence object sat firmly on the throne of my heart.

Whenever I tried to give Jesus the throne instead, I couldn’t seem to find contentment like the apostle Paul did. (Philippians 4:11) Within a few weeks I would run back to what inspired me and motivated me most. That meant continuing with renewed determination my pursuit of requited love.

This cycle is like the proverb about a dog returning to its vomit. (Proverbs 26:11) First I would spit out the poisoned food (limerence) in favor of a fresh, healthy meal (living with Jesus as my King). Then I would feel unfulfilled, hungry, and go back to the poison vomit. Instead of finding solace in my Savior, I knowingly forewent my own freedom by turning back to my old habits. In doing so I was choosing deep black darkness over bright white light.

Looking back now, I suppose I was afraid of change. Having lived with proneness to limerence since childhood, I did not know how else to live. The path ahead, full of unknowns, was like a black box whose contents I could not begin to understand.

Run to the Light

Trust in this kind of situation is vitally important. (Proverbs 3:5-6) For those of us who are experiencing limerence or have suffered from it in the past, trust is extremely difficult. Many of us have a hard time trusting anyone except ourselves. Others have hurt us, including our limerence objects. Perhaps some of us even blame God for the pain we have suffered.

We must remember God never wanted us to feel pain, although He allows it to serve His greater purposes. He uses everything, good and bad, white and black, to bless us who call upon His name. If you are at a loss for words in what to pray to Him, start with Psalm 25. The author (King David) is in distress, but He knows God is faithful and forgiving. Therefore, He places his hope and trust in the Lord.

You may be walking in pitch black darkness and perpetuating the cycle of addiction and depression. Let me encourage you now to run to the Light of the World! Allow Him to set you free by shining His light of truth on your life. (John 8:32)

Pour out your heart to Him and find rest in the safety and security of His Fatherly love. Give Him the throne of your life and do not allow a fear of change to set you back. The change He asks of us is always for the better. (Ephesians 4:22-24)

This post is part of the 2023 Colors of Love series. Other posts in the series cover orange, red, gray, white, purple, green, blue and yellow.